I spoke about Roberto a few posts back however, I really want to talk about him without giving him that name so I've decided to just call him D as I feel it is more mature (I'm insane).
I miss D everyday, even though we talk it isn't how it used to be and that hurts me but it's necessary. Being in this situation sucks because I need to talk about what happened but D doesn't want to because it hurts him. However, he doesn't want to talk about the situation because he doesn't want to face what he feels or what he did feel.
D is so hard to understand. He's a lot like me, his confidence is lacking a lot, which is crazy because he's really smart, hilarious, and incredibly handsome. It's kind of crazy because when we first started talking I was taken aback by how a guy like him could like a girl like me. But inside he doesn't feel he's worthy of a lot which is totally not true, because that brain power he harnesses is huge and will be used for something absolutely BRILLIANT one day, he's just got to understand he's more than what he's giving himself.
It's funny because when we first started talking he asked if I'd ever been in love and I told him no, I've been in lust but that's it. However, I don't know how I feel now. All I want is for him to be better and I probably care way too much. I see him suffering and it hurts me so much, I almost cried, not because I was upset, but because I saw how awful he felt and it made me feel just as awful. There are nights I'll text him just to tell him how depressed I am, and honestly I'm longing for his arms wrapped around mine and for him to just once say, fuck it, let's just be together, but he can't do it because something is stopping him.
I always thought that boys will either be with you if they want or be without you depending on the situation. However, D is different because D doesn't want to be with me but I know he sees something in me. He just needs to stop hurting himself, and making himself think differently because if he doesn't he's going to end up alone.
I want him to see all the good I see in him. I want him to look into my eyes, and see that I'm the one who should be lucky to have him in my life because without fail he will always make me happier.
So, the question that is ultimately plaguing me as I type this half asleep is, am I in love? It's hard to tell, I think I'm still on the road to being in love and I seriously wish I could just take a detour because it's hard for me to be in a position like this. I got myself really deep and I can't get out no matter how hard I try. I do know I think about him all day and all night. It's funny because I thought about a future with Jacoby and it made me really nervous and panicky but with D it doesn't make me panicky, it makes me really happy. Is that something good?
I don't know, this post is shit but it needs to be out there because I feel like I need to chronicle something interesting with the boy situation.
By the way, Plan T died. It was quite sad but T and me are friends and shall remain friends.
Over and out peeps!
x
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