Today has been a trial to say the least. Remember last year around this time I was struggling with a lot of boy issues? Remember all the things I was writing about, how boys made me crazy, blah, blah, blah?
Well, this year is no different, in fact, this year it's ten times harder.
Yesterday, I ended a five month long relationship with the first person I ever loved. Let's call him C. C and I met online, and didn't hit it off at first. I was seeing a different guy at the time and wasn't interested in pursuing anyone else until I figured out what was happening with this other guy. Anyway, when things fell through with the original guy, C was there to help me and along the way I started to develop feelings, feelings I can't exactly explain but feelings nonetheless.
The weekend he was supposed to come visit (he lived in New Jersey) a massive snowstorm was set to hit and instead of postponing the trip we decided to check into a hotel (I know, I know, BAD IDEA) and make a night of it. Our first night we watched the Oscars and had a ball, we laughed and ate bad food and had an all around amazing night together. He even managed to buy me a stuffed Sven I was thoroughly excited about!
Our relationship began after that stay and before long he was coming to visit me pretty regularly despite the fact he had a job and school back in New Jersey. One day usually turned into a week spent in Pennsylvania and before long he was essentially living at my house which bugged my entire family.
He eventually got fired/quit his job in New Jersey and officially took up residence in Pennsylvania (without permission, I might add). From there, things went south quickly.
Things were starting to look up after he FINALLY got a job, but things went just as wrong when his car got repossessed. Suddenly, he couldn't go back to New Jersey, something I always needed beings I have such bad anxiety. Our relationship became a downward spiral, C and I are dramatically different. I need space because I fear being stuck places (aka agoraphobia) and he needs to have people around him because of his separation anxiety. Obviously, this creates problems no one is ready to handle, C and I fought constantly, and my anxiety got worse prompting C to panic because I needed space from him.
Eventually, my dad and stepmom decided to take him in and I felt tons better. But then, things got worse. Just like nothing had changed, C struggled with being away from me and we fought constantly over this. I panicked and panicked because he couldn't be away from me. On Saturday, I decided to do something on my own, despite the fact we were supposed to hang out not because I didn't want to, but because I needed my space. That upset him, causing him to have some choice words with me. And suddenly, things became clear to me: C and I were in a vicious circle, one that had no end in sight. We fought, made up, fought made up, all the while, my anxiety was pulling and pushing breaking through my seems and literally making it impossible for me to live. I had to be done, I had to end it once and for all.
Tonight, I couldn't take it anymore, I talked to C and ended it for the last time. I feel like a giant sloth has sucked out my heart. I hate the pain I feel for losing someone I really loved and for hurting someone I never expected to hurt. I never, ever mean to hurt people, I am a generally nice person and I enjoy being with people who make me happy, C was no exception. We always had a good time, and I always enjoyed being around him. There are numerous events and things that happened that I will never forget and I'm always thankful to have the experience of being with someone who just downright loves you and cares for you.
However, all of the things and the times don't compare to the pain and exhaustion a panic attack causes. Panic attacks are far worse than anything I've ever experienced and my entire body hurts after I've had one, especially after I've had one that's lasted for such a long time. I need to rest, and learn to be ok, find a way to make myself better and most importantly, work on who I am as a person. Panic attacks and getting rid of them are a very individualized thing, while having them you want no one around and while trying to work through them, and overcome them you need to be alone. Panic attacks are one thing (at least for me) I need to handle by myself (maybe with some therapy however).
Overall, I learned a lot from my experience and I learned a lot about myself. You need to find someone who is compatible with your basic needs and someone who understands that sometimes you have to put your needs before others. I have learned that sometimes life is very real and you can't always get what you want, and that life comes with broken hearts. I think the most important thing I've learned however, is that no matter what, you should always look at your needs as a whole and sometimes those needs need to come before someone else's. You can't love somebody if you can't take care of yourself, and that's what I've had to realize over the years.
x
