Awkwardly meeting someone you owe a lot to...

Zoey, Charles, Marley, Alli

Last night Dani and I took a trip to downtown Baltimore to see We the Kings on their Summer Fest tour. I'm a huge We the Kings fan, I've loved their music since mid-2008, and been more obsessed recently since Charles Trippy joined the band.

For those of you who don't know Charles and his (now) wife, Alli started the CTFxC channel with the objective to consecutively vlog for one year. However, the channel and community itself has grown astronomically, with Charles and Alli now on the fifth year of vlogging. As a viewer, I've watched Charles and Alli get engaged and the eventual wedding. I've seen Charles turn into a rockstar by joining We the Kings, Alli graduate college, and unfortunately, Charles battle a health scare through which he remained positive.

The video I started watching at

I began watching CTFxC on day 650 when the video popped up in my recommendations on Youtube. Initially, I was a bit confused but caught onto the idea pretty quickly. I wasn't really aware of daily vloggers until I started watching CTFxC, and became instantly interested and invested in their story. Through watching their videos I got a look into two normal people's lives and watched them go through normal things, which to some may seem boring but actually became an escape.

From the moment I started watching their first video, I decided to take a step back and watch all their videos from Day one. This was during my senior year of high school, a time I struggled with the same depression and anxiety I've spoken briefly about before. High school sucks, and leaving it sucks even more. The future is scary, leaving home, becoming independent, all of it took a toll on me so I spent many a days watching CTFxC, attempting to escape my life, which in the end helped me a lot. I would sit and watch them live, plan their wedding, play with their dogs, attend events and it all helped me. I felt like I knew them, and in a way they became my best friends, which is quite weird since they have no idea who I am.

Adorable

During the second semester of my freshmen year of college I suffered horrible panic attacks that left me struggling with everything. I was put into an outpatient program where I learned how to deal with my panic attacks and began to accept that things will get better, but I needed to start becoming positive and realize things will be ok and I can control my panic attacks.

At the same time I was in the hospital, Charles was getting brain surgery. Finding out you have a brain tumor and that things won't be the same again is ten times more scary than college and the things I was struggling with, yet Charles was positive. He knew he was going to beat the brain slug, and the fear he obviously must've had didn't seem to show. Him and Alli carried themselves with so much optimism and sheer positivity that I had to take a step back. If this guy, who finds out he has a brain tumor can be this positive, why can't I?

From then on I vowed to be positive. If for nothing else, for Charles and Alli because in the face of one of the scariest things a person can be challenged by, they stuck their swords up and fought. So I needed to do that too.

Panic attacks still plague me and I struggle with depression and anxiety more than a normal person but I'm in a state of mind that things will get better for me. I will be okay, just like Charles was. And even when his seizures act up and he sits in front of the camera, looking so defeated, he says "things will be okay." That is one special person, and even though I don't know him personally, I am incredibly lucky to have him and Alli in my life. Without fail their videos will be there to pick me up when I've fallen down, and remind me to be happy and positive.

Last night at the We the Kings concert, I gave Charles a letter thanking him for everything but I wanted to share with the world why Charles and Alli are so special (and I wrote the letter half-asleep/upset).

Sick Travis, Danni, Charles,
me, Coley, Hunter, Danny

Anyway, I highly suggest checking CTFxC out. All you have to do is click that statement, and you'll be directed to Youtube.

I plan to write about my concert experience next time however, this post is purely dedicated to CTFxC.

I would like to add that it is quite weird seeing Charles in person as I'm used to just seeing him on my computer. It's quite trippy (no pun intended!!!).

x

A clean slate

It's funny how things happen so quickly and simultaneously, one minute everything is fine, the next BOOM, things are haywire.

As you all know, Lauren left which sent a dagger through my heart. Seeing Lauren for such a brief time didn't seem right, especially since we'd gone from spending every moment together to no moments together for a year a half. It's hard to say goodbye to people, especially people you cherish so much and love so deeply and honestly know will be in your life forever. Lauren is one of those people.

I had been feeling mildly depressed again but it didn't really come to a head until Tuesday. Things were fine, life was in check, people were okay (aside from Lauren leaving) and I was seemingly fine.

I'm the type of person to just panic and want everything so much that my patience goes out the window, and obviously, from my previous post it is clear D was someone my patience had run thin with and it felt like a ticking time bomb. We'd had several fights previously, leading to the one I knew would happen no matter what.

Honestly, when feelings are present, or were present before, there's a good chance friendship won't work. D and I were never an official "thing" but it didn't change the fact I was lying to myself when I said friends would be enough. We'd been through so much in such a short period of time, and all of that cumulated into what ended it for us.

It sucks because when you really like someone, there's a friendship there as well as an intimate relationship so when you give up the intimate relationship, that friendship becomes awkward. This is what happened with D and I. I needed to talk about what happened, he didn't want to talk about it. I needed to understand, he wanted to leave it as is. The friendship and feeling like I could share everything with him left the day he told me we couldn't talk about what happened between us, and isn't that what a friendship is? Telling each other everything?

It was stressed from the moment we decided to just be friends. I knew it wasn't going to last. It hurt me too much to not be able to say what I needed to say and it hurt him too much to have me say it. It was a lose, lose and it eventually became our destruction.

That night I cried more than I'd ever cried. It's crazy what tears will do to you, they make you feel calmer in a way because you're letting it out and a lot of times I've come to the realization that sometimes things are for the best. Do I wish it never happened? No, because I learned about myself and other people, what not to do in a relationship, what to do in a relationship. Do I wish I could go back and change some stuff? Absolutely. I'd love to change the going from 0 to 60 in less than 30 seconds, and the fact I put a lot into it so early on. But in the end, modern technology hasn't invented a time travel machine, and the things I wish I could change won't change. Instead, I have to deal with what happened, accept the loss and move on, which is a lot easier said than done.

The next day at work I found out Jacoby had officially been sent to basic training. Now, Jacoby and I weren't together, but I had considered us friends. We'd had a fun night previously, so I had hoped it would be a turning point. But as I said before, friendships usually don't work when intimate feelings had been in the relationship previously which is probably why Jacoby and I didn't have an ending, as in a proper goodbye.

I did text him, offering him my best wishes and the option to write me but he didn't respond most likely because he was so busy. In the beginning, I was mad he didn't text me and simply say, "hey, by the way, I'm leaving, see ya!" but I realize now that if he did that it would've hurt worse because I would've had to have said goodbye to him properly.

I did see him in the parking lot when I was leaving work and gave him a quick hug goodbye. I will miss him, mostly seeing him everyday and talking to him. Without fail, he would make me laugh. When I went through a lot with D, he was there. And come to think of it, the night D and I ended our friendship, he was there. I appreciate everything he's done for me, he, like D, taught me what to look for in a relationship and what not to look for. I know looking back Jacoby and I wouldn't have worked regardless of whether the night we broke up happened or not.

So, what now? Now, I focus on me. At this moment I have no boys. D isn't texting anymore. Jacoby definitely won't be texting anymore and anyone else on my radar officially left. I've been in two "relationships" (if you could call them that) and developed a sense of who I am. I know now I need someone who doesn't recklessly flirt, and someone ALL my friends approve of. I need someone who has enough problems to understand mine, but not enough to rival mine. I need someone who is intelligent enough to pick up a book and can hold a serious conversation for more than a few seconds without bursting out in laughter.

It's great having a clean slate. I feel a lot better about myself, who I am, what I need to do to make myself happy, etc. And I have D's email in case things get really bad and vice versa, but in the end, I don't want to use it until I KNOW I can carry a real friendship with him, which involves me breaking down my need to have someone with me at all time and getting rid of my fear of being alone.

At the end of the day being alone isn't that scary. It's when you learn the most about yourself. I should be thankful for the time I have with that, and I am.

I'm just going to keep swimming and enjoy what I'm doing, even if it's working and going to school. It's this time when I should be happiest and I feel like I'm on the road to that.

x

Questions that plague a half asleep Natalie at 1 AM

Today has been one of those emotional days where you have to take a step back and really evaluate your life, your goals, etc. I am so tired from my week with Lauren and I want to curl into a little ball and sleep until 6:30 PM when I have to go to work but I can't because things haven't been easy for me.

I spoke about Roberto a few posts back however, I really want to talk about him without giving him that name so I've decided to just call him D as I feel it is more mature (I'm insane).

I miss D everyday, even though we talk it isn't how it used to be and that hurts me but it's necessary. Being in this situation sucks because I need to talk about what happened but D doesn't want to because it hurts him. However, he doesn't want to talk about the situation because he doesn't want to face what he feels or what he did feel.

D is so hard to understand. He's a lot like me, his confidence is lacking a lot, which is crazy because he's really smart, hilarious, and incredibly handsome. It's kind of crazy because when we first started talking I was taken aback by how a guy like him could like a girl like me. But inside he doesn't feel he's worthy of a lot which is totally not true, because that brain power he harnesses is huge and will be used for something absolutely BRILLIANT one day, he's just got to understand he's more than what he's giving himself.

It's funny because when we first started talking he asked if I'd ever been in love and I told him no, I've been in lust but that's it. However, I don't know how I feel now. All I want is for him to be better and I probably care way too much. I see him suffering and it hurts me so much, I almost cried, not because I was upset, but because I saw how awful he felt and it made me feel just as awful. There are nights I'll text him just to tell him how depressed I am, and honestly I'm longing for his arms wrapped around mine and for him to just once say, fuck it, let's just be together, but he can't do it because something is stopping him. 

I always thought that boys will either be with you if they want or be without you depending on the situation. However, D is different because D doesn't want to be with me but I know he sees something in me. He just needs to stop hurting himself, and making himself think differently because if he doesn't he's going to end up alone.

I want him to see all the good I see in him. I want him to look into my eyes, and see that I'm the one who should be lucky to have him in my life because without fail he will always make me happier. 

So, the question that is ultimately plaguing me as I type this half asleep is, am I in love? It's hard to tell, I think I'm still on the road to being in love and I seriously wish I could just take a detour because it's hard for me to be in a position like this. I got myself really deep and I can't get out no matter how hard I try. I do know I think about him all day and all night. It's funny because I thought about a future with Jacoby and it made me really nervous and panicky but with D it doesn't make me panicky, it makes me really happy. Is that something good? 

I don't know, this post is shit but it needs to be out there because I feel like I need to chronicle something interesting with the boy situation.

By the way, Plan T died. It was quite sad but T and me are friends and shall remain friends.

Over and out peeps!

x 

Tales about my (other) bestie: Crazy roommates, cockroaches, and creepy hotels

Lauren and me at the Cloverfield
bridge

I've learned a lot in my twenty years of life but one thing I hold true to this day is that when you go through a harrowing experience with someone there's a good chance you'll be joined for life. Not to say Lauren and I wouldn't be friends if things hadn't been so crazy during my first semester at college but I will say that our bond increased much more quickly because of our experiences.

As many of you know I lived in New York for about a semester and a half during my first year of college. I won't go into great detail about where I lived or what I studied because that isn't important for this story. The important thing is that Lauren and I were two of five girls living in a minimal apartment in Midtown East. Lauren and I were lucky enough to share a room while the remaining three moved into the other, bigger room.

We carved pumpkins for Halloween

From the moment I met Lauren things clicked. I spent the entire first night alone, which was quite depressing since I missed my family and friends and felt the beginning twinges of homesickness. However, I woke up the next morning to Lauren in my room. I had only briefly met her however, she was equally sad about her family leaving so we kind of bonded in our joint sadness. We had to go on these things our school did called excursions, which were basically choices of places you would be guided to (basically tourist attractions you will experience everyday BUT get to experience with a group to make yourself look like a tourist despite the fact you weren't). We decided to go to the Brooklyn Bridge excursion, which obviously required a subway trip. We were in a rather large group so our one and only guide had a hard time keeping us together. We went into a smaller pack and hopped on the subway. However, the remaining people in our pack jumped off as the subway doors were closing. Now I had taken the subway before but never by myself, so Lauren and I just sat there and wondered if we should get off at the next stop or keep going. We ended up getting off at the appropriate stop and were greeted by our college student tour guide with a "thank God."

The next experience came two nights later. I was asleep in my bed, Lauren in her's when I was ruffled awake by Lauren saying "Natalie, there's a bug in my bed." I looked over to see a giant cockroach with wings flying across our room. I panicked just like her and we stumbled out into our other roommates' room. Now, despite the fact we had three other roommates two of them were rarely there because they had family in New York. However, the one who remained was a little unstable (more of that soon), so when we went into our other roommates' room our "unstable roommate," let's call her Cra-cra, was the only one there. Lauren was panicked because there was a bug, I was panicked because Lauren was panicked and Cra-cra was panicked because we were panicked. Our other roommate, Steph who came home, a New Yorker through and through decided to call our RA (who did NOTHING) and then proceeded to say we should stay in a hotel.

Central Park; bad phase in my life

New York City is quite scary AND expensive so needless to say, at 2 in the morning you should not be wondering around New York by yourself and/or traveling to Queens. We found a taxi that would take us to Queens (where the only cheap hotels were) and arrived at a less than two star hotel. The man promptly told us the hotel was full and offered to call us a car. However, the car was $30.00 just to go eight blocks (but we couldn't walk, it was 2 AM in Queens). When we got to the hotel after spending $30.00 the manager wouldn't let us check in because we were all under the age of 21. Steph got angry, Lauren got angry, I got angry, Cra-cra got angry. It was such a bad experience, we'd spent loads of money and now weren't going to check in. Lucky for us, Steph's sister got on the phone with the manager and he let us check in. The hotel room was absolutely disgusting. There was blood on the shower curtain, weird stains in the sheets, it was so vile, and the four of us had to huddle inside this damp, scary place.

The next morning Steph's sisters came to get us and we went back to the apartment where Lauren decided to buy a bug net to protect herself and bed bug spray.

Lauren, me, Brian: BFFLs

I did mention Cra-cra before but never really elaborated on why she was so crazy. At first, she didn't seem insane, believe me, she seemed relatively normal but as time went on things got weird. One night I had gone out with my friend, Brian to try to lotto a show and brought Cra-cra along to see the show. We ended up losing the lotto so Brian decided to TKTs tickets to another show, to which I replied, I would rather go home than spend $60.00 on a ticket. Cra-cra didn't want that though. We decided to try to get her tickets to Brian's show but they had sold out, the only one still available was a show I didn't want to see, especially for $60.00. Cra-cra wasn't pleased with me not wanting to see the show, so she said, and I'm not making this up: "if you don't come see this show with me, I'll put you right there." I replied, "where?" She said, "in the road where a bus can hit you." She then ran off. I called Brian, who came and got me and put me on the subway. As I was walking to the subway Cra-Cra called to ask if I wanted to get Starbucks to which I swiftly replied, "no, you wanted to throw me in front of a bus." I got on the subway and went home to find Lauren, blissfully unaware of what happened. Like I said my other roommates weren't around much, and this night was no exception so Lauren and me were alone, awaiting her return.

While I was on the phone talking to my mom, and Lauren was still in the common room outside I heard the door slam. Lauren came running in shortly thereafter saying "she's gone crazy!" Cra-cra had come in with a wide grin, acting as if nothing happened. When Lauren and I decided to make our escape we walked past her room, inside she had her earbuds in and was dancing with an umbrella.

We called our RA who came in to investigate. When asked what had happened she said, again, not making this up, "I found God on the subway." Apparently she had fallen down and hit her head and awoken to God's voice. No one believed it, especially Lauren and me. When we told our RA we didn't feel safe he gave us a number to call in case she attempted to murder us.

The next day when we were all gathered around the table, she held a knife to her arm and said, "what would happen if I just slid this across my wrist?" And then proceeded to throw it at us. Yes, this is not a joke.

Lincoln Center

Now don't get me wrong, Lauren and I have had plenty of fun times together. We spent entire days at Lincoln Center (her favorite place), and walked around Times Square, ate a ton of Ranch 1, played our favorite game, Family Feud on our iPhones, traveled to McDonald's at 12 AM and shopped at Duane Reade at all hours of the night. However, we are incredibly close because of what we went through.

Leaving my second semester was hard on me because I would miss my friends, especially Lauren. There aren't many people who understand why I went so mad, Lauren does though. She's always there for me, even though we're hundreds and hundreds of miles apart and there's no doubt she'll continue to be there for me.

The reason I'm posting this now is because tomorrow, Lauren will be flying in to see me. This is the first time in over a year we've seen each other and there is no doubt they'll be a lot of happy tears, hugs and talking.

Love you Lauren!

x