Death and Questions of Faith

Yesterday I learned that one of my former coworkers passed away in a horrific car accident. Working at Walmart doesn't bring out the best in most people, you deal with hundreds of people a day who slightly dehumanize you, and essentially have the ability to say anything they want with virtually no repercussions from the workers, who are powerless against the customer. Most workers at Walmart don't last long and those that do often have instances where anger gets the best of them and their composure, held together for months, breaks. Philomena was not that person. I remember at one point, a man said something racist, she stood with her head held high and continued to serve him. She dealt with unfriendly people on a daily basis and throughout her shift she always had a smile on her face.

Phils, as I called her, was the type of person who lit up a room, she had the ability to make everyone laugh and without fail, always made my shift better. When she left over a year ago to go to school, I was slightly heart broken at the idea I would no longer have Phils to laugh with and make my shifts brighter.

On Monday, a "blizzard" in full effect (we didn't actually get a blizzard, just a light dusting to an inch, despite the weatherman's hype), Phils car spun out of control on a somewhat well-known backroad in Maryland, she was hit by a truck and died at the scene. I wasn't informed of her death until yesterday and upon googling to ensure it was really true, I burst out in tears. How could someone so genuine and sweet and kind and positive, be killed so tragically? She'd posted on her Facebook just four hours before, she was supposed to make her grand return to work that evening. How was any of this possible? 

Since I was nineteen I have been an agnostic teetering on atheism. I am someone who has trouble believing in something that I can't see, therefore, God was never a high priority for me. Despite that fact, I've tried to have faith, and even got the word "faith" in Spanish tattooed on my wrist, I still struggle believing in something greater than this earth. 

However, when someone passes so suddenly, someone you knew and always enjoyed being around, you have to question your faith? One one hand I'm angry, why would someone so kind and sweet be taken from this world? And most importantly, who would take someone like that? On another hand, because she was such a kind, compassionate and loving person, how could she not be in a better place? How could she not be somewhere where she could laugh and be happy?

I'm torn between anger, and confusion. I don't understand death, I don't understand life, I don't understand how, if she would've just been thirty seconds later, she would've been fine and still be here today. 

Her death has made me question everything, how can it be that a series of decisions can lead to your death? Maybe she just missed a red light or stopped to get gas. What if she had gotten the red light and didn't stop to get gas? She'd be five minutes sooner and she'd be here.

I'm confused, humbled and scared at the same time. Your time to leave this earth could happen at any point, a long life is nowhere near guaranteed. 

I will continue to ponder these questions for probably the rest of my life. For now, because I know Philomena was religious, I will say alabanza. I learned alabanza from "In the Heights," it means, quoting Usnavi, "to raise this thing to God's face and to sing quite literally, 'praise to this.'" It's fitting now that Philomena is gone to sing alabanza in her name and to pray that she is in a better place and is continuing to grow and be the wonderful person she always was. 

Alabanza, Philomena.  

Serious relationships...

Today has been a trial to say the least. Remember last year around this time I was struggling with a lot of boy issues? Remember all the things I was writing about, how boys made me crazy, blah, blah, blah?
Well, this year is no different, in fact, this year it's ten times harder.
Yesterday, I ended a five month long relationship with the first person I ever loved. Let's call him C. C and I met online, and didn't hit it off at first. I was seeing a different guy at the time and wasn't interested in pursuing anyone else until I figured out what was happening with this other guy. Anyway, when things fell through with the original guy, C was there to help me and along the way I started to develop feelings, feelings I can't exactly explain but feelings nonetheless.
The weekend he was supposed to come visit (he lived in New Jersey) a massive snowstorm was set to hit and instead of postponing the trip we decided to check into a hotel (I know, I know, BAD IDEA) and make a night of it. Our first night we watched the Oscars and had a ball, we laughed and ate bad food and had an all around amazing night together. He even managed to buy me a stuffed Sven I was thoroughly excited about!
Our relationship began after that stay and before long he was coming to visit me pretty regularly despite the fact he had a job and school back in New Jersey. One day usually turned into a week spent in Pennsylvania and before long he was essentially living at my house which bugged my entire family.
He eventually got fired/quit his job in New Jersey and officially took up residence in Pennsylvania (without permission, I might add). From there, things went south quickly.
Things were starting to look up after he FINALLY got a job, but things went just as wrong when his car got repossessed. Suddenly, he couldn't go back to New Jersey, something I always needed beings I have such bad anxiety. Our relationship became a downward spiral, C and I are dramatically different. I need space because I fear being stuck places (aka agoraphobia) and he needs to have people around him because of his separation anxiety. Obviously, this creates problems no one is ready to handle, C and I fought constantly, and my anxiety got worse prompting C to panic because I needed space from him.
Eventually, my dad and stepmom decided to take him in and I felt tons better. But then, things got worse. Just like nothing had changed, C struggled with being away from me and we fought constantly over this. I panicked and panicked because he couldn't be away from me. On Saturday, I decided to do something on my own, despite the fact we were supposed to hang out not because I didn't want to, but because I needed my space. That upset him, causing him to have some choice words with me. And suddenly, things became clear to me: C and I were in a vicious circle, one that had no end in sight. We fought, made up, fought made up, all the while, my anxiety was pulling and pushing breaking through my seems and literally making it impossible for me to live. I had to be done, I had to end it once and for all.
Tonight, I couldn't take it anymore, I talked to C and ended it for the last time. I feel like a giant sloth has sucked out my heart. I hate the pain I feel for losing someone I really loved and for hurting someone I never expected to hurt. I never, ever mean to hurt people, I am a generally nice person and I enjoy being with people who make me happy, C was no exception. We always had a good time, and I always enjoyed being around him. There are numerous events and things that happened that I will never forget and I'm always thankful to have the experience of being with someone who just downright loves you and cares for you.
However, all of the things and the times don't compare to the pain and exhaustion a panic attack causes. Panic attacks are far worse than anything I've ever experienced and my entire body hurts after I've had one, especially after I've had one that's lasted for such a long time. I need to rest, and learn to be ok, find a way to make myself better and most importantly, work on who I am as a person. Panic attacks and getting rid of them are a very individualized thing, while having them you want no one around and while trying to work through them, and overcome them you need to be alone. Panic attacks are one thing (at least for me) I need to handle by myself (maybe with some therapy however).
Overall, I learned a lot from my experience and I learned a lot about myself. You need to find someone who is compatible with your basic needs and someone who understands that sometimes you have to put your needs before others. I have learned that sometimes life is very real and you can't always get what you want, and that life comes with broken hearts. I think the most important thing I've learned however, is that no matter what, you should always look at your needs as a whole and sometimes those needs need to come before someone else's. You can't love somebody if you can't take care of yourself, and that's what I've had to realize over the years.
x

No good deed goes unpunished

After seeing Wicked for the first time in 2002 I walked away ecstatic and utterly confused by the song "No Good Deed," Elphaba's angry tirade that comes mid-second act. In it she screams "no good deed goes unpunished." Nothing made sense, do you get punished in doing a good deed? Now, over ten years later, I understand Elphaba's frustration.

Meow

Last week my dad called to ask if I knew anyone looking for a cat. Now, I'm not one to be overly generous with people but if an animal is involved, I'll probably be more generous than I can afford. My cousin who has been battling several diseases for many years was evicted from his home and my aunt (not his mother) was taking him, his newborn baby, girlfriend and two dogs in. His cat, Meow just didn't have a place.

I didn't know much about Meow but I did know he was gray and a male. I continued talking to my aunt looking for someone to take him. I realized soon enough that if I didn't take him or find someone to take him, he would be left behind on the mean streets of Baltimore, fending for himself.

On Saturday night I got a call from my aunt saying they were being evicted soon and I would need to decide whether I could take Meow in. I said yes without thinking of the repercussions. I bought a liter box and a few supplies and surprised my less than enthused mom with the forthcoming kitty.

On the car ride over I texted my cousin learning several unsavory things:

1. He was not neutered.
2. He had never had shots.
3. He was injured.

I told my mom who was angry beyond belief but we couldn't turn around now. Upon entering their house we met Meow who hissed and swatted my cousin when he made him enter the crate. I panicked, my mom panicked, everything was chaos and suddenly I was nervous. What was I going to do? This cat was obviously a mean cat, and definitely would tear apart my cats.

We took him home and let him out in the garage where I soon saw that he was SEVERELY injured. He couldn't walk on his back leg and he was completely lam. He needed medical attention immediately and I needed to find someway to get money to pay for his forthcoming bills. I decided to make a donation site to explain Meow's circumstances. I was unaware of what would come of it.

Shocked, I realized I had raised $110.00 in a day, which doesn't seem like much but it felt like a lot to me. I wanted so badly for Meow to feel better not only because I had fallen in love with him but because I wanted Meow to be a happy, healthy cat. I found out my dad would contribute to the fund too and made an appointment to get his leg looked at.

We took a trip to the vet where he was examined and x-rayed. We found out he has a broken pelvis (aka hip) but he was negative for feline leukemia. The vet told us Meow's pelvis would hopefully heal if we kept him in a cage for eight weeks. We were beyond excited that he would hopefully get back to normal without expensive surgery. We decided to keep him overnight to get his shots done, a microchip and get a more thorough examination. 

Obviously the price tag is much higher than $110.00 but we are all putting our funds together to ensure Meow gets better. We're making a huge sacrifice, the laundry room will become his room and we're hoping our cats get along with him. I'm so glad we took him in, who knows where he'd be if he wasn't in our protective hands. 

Thank you so much to the vet staff who really have helped us, and thank you to everyone who supported us. Meow will now have a forever home in our house and we all know our three resident cats are the epitome of spoiled. I'll keep you all posted on Meow, who's name will probably end up changing sooner rather than later.

x

Goodbye 2013

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, I apologize. I won't make excuses, because let's face it, we all know school and work run my life 99% of the time.

As we all know, tonight is New Years Eve, so I have decided to take this time to write the obligatory "goodbye 2013, hello 2014" post because 2013 will be one of those years that will go down in history as a life changer.

Ed Sheeran

In January, I got to see one of my absolute favorite people in the entire world, Ed Sheeran live in concert. Words cannot describe how amazing his show was, I walked away a different person, I'm not even kidding. Ed Sheeran is the type of performer that gives 100 and 10% to his shows and that's something I applaud. His music resonates so much with me, and seeing those songs stripped down live, brought out the true beauty of the lyrics. He's a true poet, and I admire him so much.

Flynn

In March I found my best friend in the entire world. I walked into the ASPCA looking for a cat I'd seen online named Jaquay who had been at the ASPCA for several months. I ended up finding him and he instantly chose me as his new mommy. He cuddled up in my lap and didn't want to let me leave when I tried to get up. He was playful and a headbutter, so I instantly knew he needed to be mine. I took him home, renamed him Flynn and now he's the bestest buddy anyone could ask for. He was just a kitten when I got him, and I plan to keep him forever and ever. He will literally follow me on every journey of my life and that is something so amazing. I'm so happy I found my Flynny.

In May I got to see Little Mix live in concert and it was amazeballs. I've talked about them before, but they're one of those groups I admire because they don't morph into a normal girl group. They play music that is uplifting and show every girl who may struggle with self confidence issues that they're beautiful. Seeing them live was amazing, and even though it was just a few songs I was blown away by how amazing they were. I loved that entire day because I had so much fun with Danielle, waiting in the heat, getting lost, etc.

In July I got to see One Direction live. I don't even need to write a lot about this because let's face it, it's a pretty big deal. I don't want to bore you with details especially because I wrote another blog about seeing them live a little while ago, so you can check that out if you're interested!

We Ze Kings

In August, I got to see We the Kings and meet Charles Trippy. Once again, I wrote a blog about that experience, so I won't bore you with details about why it was such a big deal when you can go back in my blog and read it if you're interested.

In October, I visited New York for the first time since I'd lived there. That was a HUGE milestone for me. As some of you may know, I struggled a lot when I lived there and when I came home I was in the hospital for anxiety and depression. I couldn't go back to New York for a while because of my anxiety, but in October I finally made it and it became a huge achievement for me. Doing that proved I could accomplish anything despite my anxiety, and it proved I was okay. I also got to see some of my best friends again and that made it all worth it.

In November I turned 21, got semi-drunk and went to a casino. So I mean that's a milestone right there.

Paciencia y fe (patience and faith)

In December I got a tattoo on my wrist that I love and I'm so happy I have it because it reminds me everyday that thing will be okay.

Strackles (aka Lauren)

In 2013, I was also reunited with my best friend Lauren after over a year, and that was a HUGE deal. I'm so happy I got to see her again, it had been forever and a day, and proved that she's more than a best friend, she's my sister and I'm so happy I got to see her THREE times during 2013.

I also became closer to Danielle, who has become my go-to person for everything. She is beyond amazing, and proves that a person can go through so much but still persevere with flying colors. Thank you, Danielle for being one of the best friends anyone could ask for and always following me around when I do crazy stuff no one understands but you.

Danielle

In 2013 I also had my fair share of love. I had my first kiss at the ripe age of 20, but you know, I waited for the right person, ha ha ha. That's not true, he was the wrong person, but whatever at least I kissed someone, even if it was after 20 years. I also got my heart broken not once, not twice but three times. As I've said before though, you live, you learn. Heartbreak is just part of life, you take what happened and put it to use in the future. Time is never wasted because in the end you learn something about life and most importantly yourself.

Overall, 2013 was a HUGE year full of lots of first and amazing experiences with amazing friends, I cannot wait for 2014 because something tells me it's going to be just as epic.

x

What relationships have taught me.

As the end of 2013 nears, I'm looking at all the changes I've been going through. I had my first kiss, my first real relationship, my first infatuation, my first experience with How I Met Your Mother. 2013 has been a year of learning, and altogether growing.

I just ended a relationship I thought had promise, but was ultimately filled with the disappointment that does seem to follow after a breakup (especially an unforeseen one). I've dealt with a lot this year, and breakups have become pretty standard for me. If there's one thing I learned from this relationship however, it is to never trick yourself into thinking something is good, when it really isn't. There were a lot of issues underlying this relationship. I didn't feel like there was much of a connection except a physical one, and I spent most of the time trying to back peddle and tell myself there was something real.

I think we spent more time making out, which gave me a lot of experience, don't get me wrong, than actually talking and when we talked I didn't feel like we were really saying anything. There were awkward pauses, and sometimes I'd say something totally unnecessary to fill those pauses.

I felt really insecure around him, for good reason but I let myself think I was comfortable when in actuality I felt like he was judging me. I always felt like I was the lesser, and until yesterday I though he was it, I was happy, I had found someone, life was good.

But just like when you rewind a tape (no one has them anymore) and you still have it on play, you find yourself watching the parts backwards and seeing things you didn't notice before because you were so blinded. Like the way, you always felt inferior and uncertain around him, and the way you still didn't trust him no matter how much you told yourself you did, and how you knew this day was coming, as in, you were expecting him to break it off.

Let me also say this, if a guy is constantly saying, "I'm not pressuring you," it probably means they are pressuring you. I talked about the physical stuff, and doing it with him, and everything of that sort. Honestly, physical stuff drives me to an extent, but I'd just rather lie in bed and watch TV than make out while some TV show is on in the background. Making out isn't what drives a relationship, and I was a fool to think that having sex with him would cement him in, or make me happy I am so thankful I didn't do anything I would regret because in the end, everything I felt was felt for a reason. I knew something was off with him, but I was still willing to have sex with him and that in itself should've been a red flag. If you think something is off, there's a good chance it is off.

There just wasn't a spark, and while that hurts I'm picking myself up and looking at all the things that were wrong with the relationship because there were a lot. It shouldn't be this hard, you shouldn't be forcing yourself to make it work and basically longing not for him, but for someone. I found myself regularly sitting up at night sad because I wasn't with "him" but looking back, was I really sad I wasn't with him, or sad because I wasn't with someone in general?

I do question my judgement in men in general though. I find myself looking at people who either:
A. Are emotionally too unavailable.
B. Too immature for a real relationship.
C. Total douchebags, who think with their penis, not their heart and say jackass things but then send me flowers to make me feel like he actually didn't mean the things he said.

Let's face it, all guys are like that, but the ones who have qualities that outweigh the bad are the ones you should really choose and will make you ultimately happy.

This relationship was a learning experience through and through, I'm happy it happened because I walked away with some real knowledge that I'll take with me in the future. However, I won't say this guy didn't break my heart, because let's face it, any time someone promises you they won't hurt you, and then do it, hurts like hell. But I'm looking at the things I didn't feel and what happened in between the good parts as a learning experience; because in the end, you should always trust your intuition, most of the time it's right.

Finally, in the words of Alanis Morisstte, you live, you learn.

x

Goodbye summer, hello college...

Hello wonderful blogiverse... Today is a sad day, because tomorrow is Labor Day, which is the unofficial last day of summer.

Growing up, I always hated this because it meant Ocean City would be closing down for the season and it would become a ghost town, which is quite weird because it's not like I live in Ocean City nor, have I been to Ocean City during the off-season. Nevertheless, Labor Day always signified the end of sleeping in, and the beginning of waking up before the sun comes up.

I started classes last week, which have gone well. I will say that as a kind of sophomore, kind of junior, I have come to the conclusion that no matter how old you get there will always be that awkward, "stand in front of the class, introduce yourself; what's your major? what year are you? what's interesting about you?" bit at the beginning. My interesting fact? I work at Walmart. Yep, that's all I could come up with.

There's also never a shortage of syllabuses flying around. Seriously? Do I have to be reminded I am a college student, and therefore should attend classes everyday because I'm an adult every time I enter the class for the first time? We all know, I won't be in class everyday, you won't be in class everyday so let's get real. 

I love when teachers start off classes by explaining how easy the course is and how passing it will be a piece of cake. No... Passing it will not be a piece of cake for me because unlike you, I don't have a degree, and the things that may seem easy to you, aren't quite that easy for me. 

Either way, there's nothing like watching the freshmen walk across campus with their awkward lanyards and maps. I mean, campus is not that big, every building can be seen from the middle of campus. 

I can't remember if it was such a huge shock when I went away to school. Maybe because my campus was literally confined to two adjoined buildings, but I think I was okay without a map.

Anyway, as of now I am studying the marketing technique of One Direction and explaining how Miley Cyrus's twerking at the VMAs was an excellent marketing move. I'm also busy fangirling over the One Direction movie, which I managed to take four 8 year olds too. I can't say how grateful I am to those 8 year olds because it would've been doubly bad if I had not only gone to see the movie at the age of 20, but taken my mother with me. 

Hopefully, despite the fact I'm in class, I'll still be able to blog. I really want to keep this going! 

Talk to you all soon!

x

Awkwardly meeting someone you owe a lot to...

Zoey, Charles, Marley, Alli

Last night Dani and I took a trip to downtown Baltimore to see We the Kings on their Summer Fest tour. I'm a huge We the Kings fan, I've loved their music since mid-2008, and been more obsessed recently since Charles Trippy joined the band.

For those of you who don't know Charles and his (now) wife, Alli started the CTFxC channel with the objective to consecutively vlog for one year. However, the channel and community itself has grown astronomically, with Charles and Alli now on the fifth year of vlogging. As a viewer, I've watched Charles and Alli get engaged and the eventual wedding. I've seen Charles turn into a rockstar by joining We the Kings, Alli graduate college, and unfortunately, Charles battle a health scare through which he remained positive.

The video I started watching at

I began watching CTFxC on day 650 when the video popped up in my recommendations on Youtube. Initially, I was a bit confused but caught onto the idea pretty quickly. I wasn't really aware of daily vloggers until I started watching CTFxC, and became instantly interested and invested in their story. Through watching their videos I got a look into two normal people's lives and watched them go through normal things, which to some may seem boring but actually became an escape.

From the moment I started watching their first video, I decided to take a step back and watch all their videos from Day one. This was during my senior year of high school, a time I struggled with the same depression and anxiety I've spoken briefly about before. High school sucks, and leaving it sucks even more. The future is scary, leaving home, becoming independent, all of it took a toll on me so I spent many a days watching CTFxC, attempting to escape my life, which in the end helped me a lot. I would sit and watch them live, plan their wedding, play with their dogs, attend events and it all helped me. I felt like I knew them, and in a way they became my best friends, which is quite weird since they have no idea who I am.

Adorable

During the second semester of my freshmen year of college I suffered horrible panic attacks that left me struggling with everything. I was put into an outpatient program where I learned how to deal with my panic attacks and began to accept that things will get better, but I needed to start becoming positive and realize things will be ok and I can control my panic attacks.

At the same time I was in the hospital, Charles was getting brain surgery. Finding out you have a brain tumor and that things won't be the same again is ten times more scary than college and the things I was struggling with, yet Charles was positive. He knew he was going to beat the brain slug, and the fear he obviously must've had didn't seem to show. Him and Alli carried themselves with so much optimism and sheer positivity that I had to take a step back. If this guy, who finds out he has a brain tumor can be this positive, why can't I?

From then on I vowed to be positive. If for nothing else, for Charles and Alli because in the face of one of the scariest things a person can be challenged by, they stuck their swords up and fought. So I needed to do that too.

Panic attacks still plague me and I struggle with depression and anxiety more than a normal person but I'm in a state of mind that things will get better for me. I will be okay, just like Charles was. And even when his seizures act up and he sits in front of the camera, looking so defeated, he says "things will be okay." That is one special person, and even though I don't know him personally, I am incredibly lucky to have him and Alli in my life. Without fail their videos will be there to pick me up when I've fallen down, and remind me to be happy and positive.

Last night at the We the Kings concert, I gave Charles a letter thanking him for everything but I wanted to share with the world why Charles and Alli are so special (and I wrote the letter half-asleep/upset).

Sick Travis, Danni, Charles,
me, Coley, Hunter, Danny

Anyway, I highly suggest checking CTFxC out. All you have to do is click that statement, and you'll be directed to Youtube.

I plan to write about my concert experience next time however, this post is purely dedicated to CTFxC.

I would like to add that it is quite weird seeing Charles in person as I'm used to just seeing him on my computer. It's quite trippy (no pun intended!!!).

x