Goodbye 2013

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged, I apologize. I won't make excuses, because let's face it, we all know school and work run my life 99% of the time.

As we all know, tonight is New Years Eve, so I have decided to take this time to write the obligatory "goodbye 2013, hello 2014" post because 2013 will be one of those years that will go down in history as a life changer.

Ed Sheeran

In January, I got to see one of my absolute favorite people in the entire world, Ed Sheeran live in concert. Words cannot describe how amazing his show was, I walked away a different person, I'm not even kidding. Ed Sheeran is the type of performer that gives 100 and 10% to his shows and that's something I applaud. His music resonates so much with me, and seeing those songs stripped down live, brought out the true beauty of the lyrics. He's a true poet, and I admire him so much.

Flynn

In March I found my best friend in the entire world. I walked into the ASPCA looking for a cat I'd seen online named Jaquay who had been at the ASPCA for several months. I ended up finding him and he instantly chose me as his new mommy. He cuddled up in my lap and didn't want to let me leave when I tried to get up. He was playful and a headbutter, so I instantly knew he needed to be mine. I took him home, renamed him Flynn and now he's the bestest buddy anyone could ask for. He was just a kitten when I got him, and I plan to keep him forever and ever. He will literally follow me on every journey of my life and that is something so amazing. I'm so happy I found my Flynny.

In May I got to see Little Mix live in concert and it was amazeballs. I've talked about them before, but they're one of those groups I admire because they don't morph into a normal girl group. They play music that is uplifting and show every girl who may struggle with self confidence issues that they're beautiful. Seeing them live was amazing, and even though it was just a few songs I was blown away by how amazing they were. I loved that entire day because I had so much fun with Danielle, waiting in the heat, getting lost, etc.

In July I got to see One Direction live. I don't even need to write a lot about this because let's face it, it's a pretty big deal. I don't want to bore you with details especially because I wrote another blog about seeing them live a little while ago, so you can check that out if you're interested!

We Ze Kings

In August, I got to see We the Kings and meet Charles Trippy. Once again, I wrote a blog about that experience, so I won't bore you with details about why it was such a big deal when you can go back in my blog and read it if you're interested.

In October, I visited New York for the first time since I'd lived there. That was a HUGE milestone for me. As some of you may know, I struggled a lot when I lived there and when I came home I was in the hospital for anxiety and depression. I couldn't go back to New York for a while because of my anxiety, but in October I finally made it and it became a huge achievement for me. Doing that proved I could accomplish anything despite my anxiety, and it proved I was okay. I also got to see some of my best friends again and that made it all worth it.

In November I turned 21, got semi-drunk and went to a casino. So I mean that's a milestone right there.

Paciencia y fe (patience and faith)

In December I got a tattoo on my wrist that I love and I'm so happy I have it because it reminds me everyday that thing will be okay.

Strackles (aka Lauren)

In 2013, I was also reunited with my best friend Lauren after over a year, and that was a HUGE deal. I'm so happy I got to see her again, it had been forever and a day, and proved that she's more than a best friend, she's my sister and I'm so happy I got to see her THREE times during 2013.

I also became closer to Danielle, who has become my go-to person for everything. She is beyond amazing, and proves that a person can go through so much but still persevere with flying colors. Thank you, Danielle for being one of the best friends anyone could ask for and always following me around when I do crazy stuff no one understands but you.

Danielle

In 2013 I also had my fair share of love. I had my first kiss at the ripe age of 20, but you know, I waited for the right person, ha ha ha. That's not true, he was the wrong person, but whatever at least I kissed someone, even if it was after 20 years. I also got my heart broken not once, not twice but three times. As I've said before though, you live, you learn. Heartbreak is just part of life, you take what happened and put it to use in the future. Time is never wasted because in the end you learn something about life and most importantly yourself.

Overall, 2013 was a HUGE year full of lots of first and amazing experiences with amazing friends, I cannot wait for 2014 because something tells me it's going to be just as epic.

x

What relationships have taught me.

As the end of 2013 nears, I'm looking at all the changes I've been going through. I had my first kiss, my first real relationship, my first infatuation, my first experience with How I Met Your Mother. 2013 has been a year of learning, and altogether growing.

I just ended a relationship I thought had promise, but was ultimately filled with the disappointment that does seem to follow after a breakup (especially an unforeseen one). I've dealt with a lot this year, and breakups have become pretty standard for me. If there's one thing I learned from this relationship however, it is to never trick yourself into thinking something is good, when it really isn't. There were a lot of issues underlying this relationship. I didn't feel like there was much of a connection except a physical one, and I spent most of the time trying to back peddle and tell myself there was something real.

I think we spent more time making out, which gave me a lot of experience, don't get me wrong, than actually talking and when we talked I didn't feel like we were really saying anything. There were awkward pauses, and sometimes I'd say something totally unnecessary to fill those pauses.

I felt really insecure around him, for good reason but I let myself think I was comfortable when in actuality I felt like he was judging me. I always felt like I was the lesser, and until yesterday I though he was it, I was happy, I had found someone, life was good.

But just like when you rewind a tape (no one has them anymore) and you still have it on play, you find yourself watching the parts backwards and seeing things you didn't notice before because you were so blinded. Like the way, you always felt inferior and uncertain around him, and the way you still didn't trust him no matter how much you told yourself you did, and how you knew this day was coming, as in, you were expecting him to break it off.

Let me also say this, if a guy is constantly saying, "I'm not pressuring you," it probably means they are pressuring you. I talked about the physical stuff, and doing it with him, and everything of that sort. Honestly, physical stuff drives me to an extent, but I'd just rather lie in bed and watch TV than make out while some TV show is on in the background. Making out isn't what drives a relationship, and I was a fool to think that having sex with him would cement him in, or make me happy I am so thankful I didn't do anything I would regret because in the end, everything I felt was felt for a reason. I knew something was off with him, but I was still willing to have sex with him and that in itself should've been a red flag. If you think something is off, there's a good chance it is off.

There just wasn't a spark, and while that hurts I'm picking myself up and looking at all the things that were wrong with the relationship because there were a lot. It shouldn't be this hard, you shouldn't be forcing yourself to make it work and basically longing not for him, but for someone. I found myself regularly sitting up at night sad because I wasn't with "him" but looking back, was I really sad I wasn't with him, or sad because I wasn't with someone in general?

I do question my judgement in men in general though. I find myself looking at people who either:
A. Are emotionally too unavailable.
B. Too immature for a real relationship.
C. Total douchebags, who think with their penis, not their heart and say jackass things but then send me flowers to make me feel like he actually didn't mean the things he said.

Let's face it, all guys are like that, but the ones who have qualities that outweigh the bad are the ones you should really choose and will make you ultimately happy.

This relationship was a learning experience through and through, I'm happy it happened because I walked away with some real knowledge that I'll take with me in the future. However, I won't say this guy didn't break my heart, because let's face it, any time someone promises you they won't hurt you, and then do it, hurts like hell. But I'm looking at the things I didn't feel and what happened in between the good parts as a learning experience; because in the end, you should always trust your intuition, most of the time it's right.

Finally, in the words of Alanis Morisstte, you live, you learn.

x

Goodbye summer, hello college...

Hello wonderful blogiverse... Today is a sad day, because tomorrow is Labor Day, which is the unofficial last day of summer.

Growing up, I always hated this because it meant Ocean City would be closing down for the season and it would become a ghost town, which is quite weird because it's not like I live in Ocean City nor, have I been to Ocean City during the off-season. Nevertheless, Labor Day always signified the end of sleeping in, and the beginning of waking up before the sun comes up.

I started classes last week, which have gone well. I will say that as a kind of sophomore, kind of junior, I have come to the conclusion that no matter how old you get there will always be that awkward, "stand in front of the class, introduce yourself; what's your major? what year are you? what's interesting about you?" bit at the beginning. My interesting fact? I work at Walmart. Yep, that's all I could come up with.

There's also never a shortage of syllabuses flying around. Seriously? Do I have to be reminded I am a college student, and therefore should attend classes everyday because I'm an adult every time I enter the class for the first time? We all know, I won't be in class everyday, you won't be in class everyday so let's get real. 

I love when teachers start off classes by explaining how easy the course is and how passing it will be a piece of cake. No... Passing it will not be a piece of cake for me because unlike you, I don't have a degree, and the things that may seem easy to you, aren't quite that easy for me. 

Either way, there's nothing like watching the freshmen walk across campus with their awkward lanyards and maps. I mean, campus is not that big, every building can be seen from the middle of campus. 

I can't remember if it was such a huge shock when I went away to school. Maybe because my campus was literally confined to two adjoined buildings, but I think I was okay without a map.

Anyway, as of now I am studying the marketing technique of One Direction and explaining how Miley Cyrus's twerking at the VMAs was an excellent marketing move. I'm also busy fangirling over the One Direction movie, which I managed to take four 8 year olds too. I can't say how grateful I am to those 8 year olds because it would've been doubly bad if I had not only gone to see the movie at the age of 20, but taken my mother with me. 

Hopefully, despite the fact I'm in class, I'll still be able to blog. I really want to keep this going! 

Talk to you all soon!

x

Awkwardly meeting someone you owe a lot to...

Zoey, Charles, Marley, Alli

Last night Dani and I took a trip to downtown Baltimore to see We the Kings on their Summer Fest tour. I'm a huge We the Kings fan, I've loved their music since mid-2008, and been more obsessed recently since Charles Trippy joined the band.

For those of you who don't know Charles and his (now) wife, Alli started the CTFxC channel with the objective to consecutively vlog for one year. However, the channel and community itself has grown astronomically, with Charles and Alli now on the fifth year of vlogging. As a viewer, I've watched Charles and Alli get engaged and the eventual wedding. I've seen Charles turn into a rockstar by joining We the Kings, Alli graduate college, and unfortunately, Charles battle a health scare through which he remained positive.

The video I started watching at

I began watching CTFxC on day 650 when the video popped up in my recommendations on Youtube. Initially, I was a bit confused but caught onto the idea pretty quickly. I wasn't really aware of daily vloggers until I started watching CTFxC, and became instantly interested and invested in their story. Through watching their videos I got a look into two normal people's lives and watched them go through normal things, which to some may seem boring but actually became an escape.

From the moment I started watching their first video, I decided to take a step back and watch all their videos from Day one. This was during my senior year of high school, a time I struggled with the same depression and anxiety I've spoken briefly about before. High school sucks, and leaving it sucks even more. The future is scary, leaving home, becoming independent, all of it took a toll on me so I spent many a days watching CTFxC, attempting to escape my life, which in the end helped me a lot. I would sit and watch them live, plan their wedding, play with their dogs, attend events and it all helped me. I felt like I knew them, and in a way they became my best friends, which is quite weird since they have no idea who I am.

Adorable

During the second semester of my freshmen year of college I suffered horrible panic attacks that left me struggling with everything. I was put into an outpatient program where I learned how to deal with my panic attacks and began to accept that things will get better, but I needed to start becoming positive and realize things will be ok and I can control my panic attacks.

At the same time I was in the hospital, Charles was getting brain surgery. Finding out you have a brain tumor and that things won't be the same again is ten times more scary than college and the things I was struggling with, yet Charles was positive. He knew he was going to beat the brain slug, and the fear he obviously must've had didn't seem to show. Him and Alli carried themselves with so much optimism and sheer positivity that I had to take a step back. If this guy, who finds out he has a brain tumor can be this positive, why can't I?

From then on I vowed to be positive. If for nothing else, for Charles and Alli because in the face of one of the scariest things a person can be challenged by, they stuck their swords up and fought. So I needed to do that too.

Panic attacks still plague me and I struggle with depression and anxiety more than a normal person but I'm in a state of mind that things will get better for me. I will be okay, just like Charles was. And even when his seizures act up and he sits in front of the camera, looking so defeated, he says "things will be okay." That is one special person, and even though I don't know him personally, I am incredibly lucky to have him and Alli in my life. Without fail their videos will be there to pick me up when I've fallen down, and remind me to be happy and positive.

Last night at the We the Kings concert, I gave Charles a letter thanking him for everything but I wanted to share with the world why Charles and Alli are so special (and I wrote the letter half-asleep/upset).

Sick Travis, Danni, Charles,
me, Coley, Hunter, Danny

Anyway, I highly suggest checking CTFxC out. All you have to do is click that statement, and you'll be directed to Youtube.

I plan to write about my concert experience next time however, this post is purely dedicated to CTFxC.

I would like to add that it is quite weird seeing Charles in person as I'm used to just seeing him on my computer. It's quite trippy (no pun intended!!!).

x

A clean slate

It's funny how things happen so quickly and simultaneously, one minute everything is fine, the next BOOM, things are haywire.

As you all know, Lauren left which sent a dagger through my heart. Seeing Lauren for such a brief time didn't seem right, especially since we'd gone from spending every moment together to no moments together for a year a half. It's hard to say goodbye to people, especially people you cherish so much and love so deeply and honestly know will be in your life forever. Lauren is one of those people.

I had been feeling mildly depressed again but it didn't really come to a head until Tuesday. Things were fine, life was in check, people were okay (aside from Lauren leaving) and I was seemingly fine.

I'm the type of person to just panic and want everything so much that my patience goes out the window, and obviously, from my previous post it is clear D was someone my patience had run thin with and it felt like a ticking time bomb. We'd had several fights previously, leading to the one I knew would happen no matter what.

Honestly, when feelings are present, or were present before, there's a good chance friendship won't work. D and I were never an official "thing" but it didn't change the fact I was lying to myself when I said friends would be enough. We'd been through so much in such a short period of time, and all of that cumulated into what ended it for us.

It sucks because when you really like someone, there's a friendship there as well as an intimate relationship so when you give up the intimate relationship, that friendship becomes awkward. This is what happened with D and I. I needed to talk about what happened, he didn't want to talk about it. I needed to understand, he wanted to leave it as is. The friendship and feeling like I could share everything with him left the day he told me we couldn't talk about what happened between us, and isn't that what a friendship is? Telling each other everything?

It was stressed from the moment we decided to just be friends. I knew it wasn't going to last. It hurt me too much to not be able to say what I needed to say and it hurt him too much to have me say it. It was a lose, lose and it eventually became our destruction.

That night I cried more than I'd ever cried. It's crazy what tears will do to you, they make you feel calmer in a way because you're letting it out and a lot of times I've come to the realization that sometimes things are for the best. Do I wish it never happened? No, because I learned about myself and other people, what not to do in a relationship, what to do in a relationship. Do I wish I could go back and change some stuff? Absolutely. I'd love to change the going from 0 to 60 in less than 30 seconds, and the fact I put a lot into it so early on. But in the end, modern technology hasn't invented a time travel machine, and the things I wish I could change won't change. Instead, I have to deal with what happened, accept the loss and move on, which is a lot easier said than done.

The next day at work I found out Jacoby had officially been sent to basic training. Now, Jacoby and I weren't together, but I had considered us friends. We'd had a fun night previously, so I had hoped it would be a turning point. But as I said before, friendships usually don't work when intimate feelings had been in the relationship previously which is probably why Jacoby and I didn't have an ending, as in a proper goodbye.

I did text him, offering him my best wishes and the option to write me but he didn't respond most likely because he was so busy. In the beginning, I was mad he didn't text me and simply say, "hey, by the way, I'm leaving, see ya!" but I realize now that if he did that it would've hurt worse because I would've had to have said goodbye to him properly.

I did see him in the parking lot when I was leaving work and gave him a quick hug goodbye. I will miss him, mostly seeing him everyday and talking to him. Without fail, he would make me laugh. When I went through a lot with D, he was there. And come to think of it, the night D and I ended our friendship, he was there. I appreciate everything he's done for me, he, like D, taught me what to look for in a relationship and what not to look for. I know looking back Jacoby and I wouldn't have worked regardless of whether the night we broke up happened or not.

So, what now? Now, I focus on me. At this moment I have no boys. D isn't texting anymore. Jacoby definitely won't be texting anymore and anyone else on my radar officially left. I've been in two "relationships" (if you could call them that) and developed a sense of who I am. I know now I need someone who doesn't recklessly flirt, and someone ALL my friends approve of. I need someone who has enough problems to understand mine, but not enough to rival mine. I need someone who is intelligent enough to pick up a book and can hold a serious conversation for more than a few seconds without bursting out in laughter.

It's great having a clean slate. I feel a lot better about myself, who I am, what I need to do to make myself happy, etc. And I have D's email in case things get really bad and vice versa, but in the end, I don't want to use it until I KNOW I can carry a real friendship with him, which involves me breaking down my need to have someone with me at all time and getting rid of my fear of being alone.

At the end of the day being alone isn't that scary. It's when you learn the most about yourself. I should be thankful for the time I have with that, and I am.

I'm just going to keep swimming and enjoy what I'm doing, even if it's working and going to school. It's this time when I should be happiest and I feel like I'm on the road to that.

x

Questions that plague a half asleep Natalie at 1 AM

Today has been one of those emotional days where you have to take a step back and really evaluate your life, your goals, etc. I am so tired from my week with Lauren and I want to curl into a little ball and sleep until 6:30 PM when I have to go to work but I can't because things haven't been easy for me.

I spoke about Roberto a few posts back however, I really want to talk about him without giving him that name so I've decided to just call him D as I feel it is more mature (I'm insane).

I miss D everyday, even though we talk it isn't how it used to be and that hurts me but it's necessary. Being in this situation sucks because I need to talk about what happened but D doesn't want to because it hurts him. However, he doesn't want to talk about the situation because he doesn't want to face what he feels or what he did feel.

D is so hard to understand. He's a lot like me, his confidence is lacking a lot, which is crazy because he's really smart, hilarious, and incredibly handsome. It's kind of crazy because when we first started talking I was taken aback by how a guy like him could like a girl like me. But inside he doesn't feel he's worthy of a lot which is totally not true, because that brain power he harnesses is huge and will be used for something absolutely BRILLIANT one day, he's just got to understand he's more than what he's giving himself.

It's funny because when we first started talking he asked if I'd ever been in love and I told him no, I've been in lust but that's it. However, I don't know how I feel now. All I want is for him to be better and I probably care way too much. I see him suffering and it hurts me so much, I almost cried, not because I was upset, but because I saw how awful he felt and it made me feel just as awful. There are nights I'll text him just to tell him how depressed I am, and honestly I'm longing for his arms wrapped around mine and for him to just once say, fuck it, let's just be together, but he can't do it because something is stopping him. 

I always thought that boys will either be with you if they want or be without you depending on the situation. However, D is different because D doesn't want to be with me but I know he sees something in me. He just needs to stop hurting himself, and making himself think differently because if he doesn't he's going to end up alone.

I want him to see all the good I see in him. I want him to look into my eyes, and see that I'm the one who should be lucky to have him in my life because without fail he will always make me happier. 

So, the question that is ultimately plaguing me as I type this half asleep is, am I in love? It's hard to tell, I think I'm still on the road to being in love and I seriously wish I could just take a detour because it's hard for me to be in a position like this. I got myself really deep and I can't get out no matter how hard I try. I do know I think about him all day and all night. It's funny because I thought about a future with Jacoby and it made me really nervous and panicky but with D it doesn't make me panicky, it makes me really happy. Is that something good? 

I don't know, this post is shit but it needs to be out there because I feel like I need to chronicle something interesting with the boy situation.

By the way, Plan T died. It was quite sad but T and me are friends and shall remain friends.

Over and out peeps!

x 

Tales about my (other) bestie: Crazy roommates, cockroaches, and creepy hotels

Lauren and me at the Cloverfield
bridge

I've learned a lot in my twenty years of life but one thing I hold true to this day is that when you go through a harrowing experience with someone there's a good chance you'll be joined for life. Not to say Lauren and I wouldn't be friends if things hadn't been so crazy during my first semester at college but I will say that our bond increased much more quickly because of our experiences.

As many of you know I lived in New York for about a semester and a half during my first year of college. I won't go into great detail about where I lived or what I studied because that isn't important for this story. The important thing is that Lauren and I were two of five girls living in a minimal apartment in Midtown East. Lauren and I were lucky enough to share a room while the remaining three moved into the other, bigger room.

We carved pumpkins for Halloween

From the moment I met Lauren things clicked. I spent the entire first night alone, which was quite depressing since I missed my family and friends and felt the beginning twinges of homesickness. However, I woke up the next morning to Lauren in my room. I had only briefly met her however, she was equally sad about her family leaving so we kind of bonded in our joint sadness. We had to go on these things our school did called excursions, which were basically choices of places you would be guided to (basically tourist attractions you will experience everyday BUT get to experience with a group to make yourself look like a tourist despite the fact you weren't). We decided to go to the Brooklyn Bridge excursion, which obviously required a subway trip. We were in a rather large group so our one and only guide had a hard time keeping us together. We went into a smaller pack and hopped on the subway. However, the remaining people in our pack jumped off as the subway doors were closing. Now I had taken the subway before but never by myself, so Lauren and I just sat there and wondered if we should get off at the next stop or keep going. We ended up getting off at the appropriate stop and were greeted by our college student tour guide with a "thank God."

The next experience came two nights later. I was asleep in my bed, Lauren in her's when I was ruffled awake by Lauren saying "Natalie, there's a bug in my bed." I looked over to see a giant cockroach with wings flying across our room. I panicked just like her and we stumbled out into our other roommates' room. Now, despite the fact we had three other roommates two of them were rarely there because they had family in New York. However, the one who remained was a little unstable (more of that soon), so when we went into our other roommates' room our "unstable roommate," let's call her Cra-cra, was the only one there. Lauren was panicked because there was a bug, I was panicked because Lauren was panicked and Cra-cra was panicked because we were panicked. Our other roommate, Steph who came home, a New Yorker through and through decided to call our RA (who did NOTHING) and then proceeded to say we should stay in a hotel.

Central Park; bad phase in my life

New York City is quite scary AND expensive so needless to say, at 2 in the morning you should not be wondering around New York by yourself and/or traveling to Queens. We found a taxi that would take us to Queens (where the only cheap hotels were) and arrived at a less than two star hotel. The man promptly told us the hotel was full and offered to call us a car. However, the car was $30.00 just to go eight blocks (but we couldn't walk, it was 2 AM in Queens). When we got to the hotel after spending $30.00 the manager wouldn't let us check in because we were all under the age of 21. Steph got angry, Lauren got angry, I got angry, Cra-cra got angry. It was such a bad experience, we'd spent loads of money and now weren't going to check in. Lucky for us, Steph's sister got on the phone with the manager and he let us check in. The hotel room was absolutely disgusting. There was blood on the shower curtain, weird stains in the sheets, it was so vile, and the four of us had to huddle inside this damp, scary place.

The next morning Steph's sisters came to get us and we went back to the apartment where Lauren decided to buy a bug net to protect herself and bed bug spray.

Lauren, me, Brian: BFFLs

I did mention Cra-cra before but never really elaborated on why she was so crazy. At first, she didn't seem insane, believe me, she seemed relatively normal but as time went on things got weird. One night I had gone out with my friend, Brian to try to lotto a show and brought Cra-cra along to see the show. We ended up losing the lotto so Brian decided to TKTs tickets to another show, to which I replied, I would rather go home than spend $60.00 on a ticket. Cra-cra didn't want that though. We decided to try to get her tickets to Brian's show but they had sold out, the only one still available was a show I didn't want to see, especially for $60.00. Cra-cra wasn't pleased with me not wanting to see the show, so she said, and I'm not making this up: "if you don't come see this show with me, I'll put you right there." I replied, "where?" She said, "in the road where a bus can hit you." She then ran off. I called Brian, who came and got me and put me on the subway. As I was walking to the subway Cra-Cra called to ask if I wanted to get Starbucks to which I swiftly replied, "no, you wanted to throw me in front of a bus." I got on the subway and went home to find Lauren, blissfully unaware of what happened. Like I said my other roommates weren't around much, and this night was no exception so Lauren and me were alone, awaiting her return.

While I was on the phone talking to my mom, and Lauren was still in the common room outside I heard the door slam. Lauren came running in shortly thereafter saying "she's gone crazy!" Cra-cra had come in with a wide grin, acting as if nothing happened. When Lauren and I decided to make our escape we walked past her room, inside she had her earbuds in and was dancing with an umbrella.

We called our RA who came in to investigate. When asked what had happened she said, again, not making this up, "I found God on the subway." Apparently she had fallen down and hit her head and awoken to God's voice. No one believed it, especially Lauren and me. When we told our RA we didn't feel safe he gave us a number to call in case she attempted to murder us.

The next day when we were all gathered around the table, she held a knife to her arm and said, "what would happen if I just slid this across my wrist?" And then proceeded to throw it at us. Yes, this is not a joke.

Lincoln Center

Now don't get me wrong, Lauren and I have had plenty of fun times together. We spent entire days at Lincoln Center (her favorite place), and walked around Times Square, ate a ton of Ranch 1, played our favorite game, Family Feud on our iPhones, traveled to McDonald's at 12 AM and shopped at Duane Reade at all hours of the night. However, we are incredibly close because of what we went through.

Leaving my second semester was hard on me because I would miss my friends, especially Lauren. There aren't many people who understand why I went so mad, Lauren does though. She's always there for me, even though we're hundreds and hundreds of miles apart and there's no doubt she'll continue to be there for me.

The reason I'm posting this now is because tomorrow, Lauren will be flying in to see me. This is the first time in over a year we've seen each other and there is no doubt they'll be a lot of happy tears, hugs and talking.

Love you Lauren!

x

My issue with boys, and the entire male species with the exception of gay boys

Well... After some "suspicious" activities on my blog, I am back and unaware of what activity might have preceded this blog post.

As I'm listening to the rain fall outside, I've decided to embark on a long journey into the oblivion that is: "Natalie's dating life." I know what you're thinking, Natalie, you are smart and wonderful, all of the opposite sex must be flocking at your doorstep! And if you are thinking that, you are sadly wrong because until three months ago, my dating life was noticeably absent.

I'll be honest, I had my first kiss three months ago. I was twenty years old, most of the people I know in my daily life are much younger when they have their first kiss but the male species had not found an attraction to me before three months ago so there you go. Either way, since this revolution in my life I have suddenly found myself in the midst of a lot of boys (not a lot, but a considerably larger number than there were before). I've decided to breakdown the boys in my life, I of course, have changed their names to WONDERFUL cover names so as to not embarrass and/or reveal the identities.

-- Alejandro: Alejandro and I met at work. He, in a different department and me, in the front, rarely saw each other however, because his work was mostly seasonal he often came to the front to help. We hadn't really ever talked but he did talk to Danielle and I noticed he'd been looking at me quite often, however, I didn't really think anything of it. One day, in mid-January, right after the Christmas rush had died down, I took over his register to give him a break. I noticed a line of gummy bears all over the register and instantly, grew disgusted with the prospect of people's hands touching them, I took a paper towel and disposed of them. When Alejandro returned, he stood appalled. Those gummy bears had happened to be his friends, and I got rid of them. From then on, we talked a lot. He, always hilarious, I, always the precious butterfly. I noticed he started to drift when I started dating Jacoby (more on him soon). He never spoke to me and acted like we were never friends, which hurt a lot. I asked him why he was mad at me one day and he told me it was because I was dating a giant asshole. At the time, I wasn't taking a lot of advice, so I ignored his. When Jacoby and I broke up, he continued to ignore me but had "forgiven me." Today was (most likely) his last day at work so I decided to buy him some gummy bears which I asked Danielle to give to him. He didn't want them, and ignored the gummy bears when Danielle tried to give them to him. I still don't understand why he's mad, and I'm upset because while we're not exactly "buddies" anymore, he was once my friend, and I wanted to give him a proper goodbye and at least leave on good terms but he doesn't want that, and it hurts me so bad because to be honest, I did like him, and if Jacoby hadn't come into my life, I think something could've happened, especially if he had feelings for me and those are what is making him upset (Danielle's theory).

-- Jacoby: Do you have boys in your life who are bad news, and everyone says they're bad news but you don't listen to them because what you have is "real" and you "understand him"? Well, Jacoby is that times 1 million. I met Jacoby about a month after he started working. He was cute, and had a really nice smile, so I was instantly attracted to him. I knew he had a reputation because he had liked a CRAZY member of our staff, and had been "shot down" and then proceeded to talk to another member of our staff. I met him one day, and we started talking. Things weren't too serious but he asked me out one day and I agreed. From then on we started texting and talking nonstop. I really liked him despite Danielle's reservation, not to mention my other coworkers. It was a bit unnerving, having everyone telling me not to talk to him, but I think it made me want him more. I always knew Jacoby was a bit arrogant and for all intensive purposes, immature. However, I had ignored it until one night (the night after we had made it "official"-- NOT LIKE THAT, JUST OFFICIAL AS IN BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND) he had come to "surprise" me at work. Danielle had been mad at me because I hadn't told her we were official yet, and I had a monster headache, so the last thing I wanted was this guy coming into my work and basically pulling me away from my best friend. When we went outside, he did something really immature and stupid and ended up physically hurting himself. We parted ways, my anger evident, and I texted him saying I didn't want us to be together. A short DAY LATER he started talking to the original CRAZY coworker, and they started dating. I was livid, I had been told to stay away, I didn't listen, and now he was making me look like an idiot. We didn't speak for a month, then I started talking to him again. I confessed I still had feelings for him, to which he replied that he had feelings for me too, but he couldn't be in a relationship right now. I didn't much care because I had begun to talk to Roberto (more about him soon). Then, there was this thing with a married woman (I still don't know what that was about), and now he is dating a girl who just started working. I am absolutely angry, because while I don't know how I feel, I'm upset he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship but then went and started one. I can't even warn her because I hate her. She even added me on Facebook. Really? That's what you're going to do? Add me on Facebook so I can see the two of you's updates constantly?

-- Roberto: I honestly don't have anything bad to say about Roberto and I won't because he's really special to me, even if we're purely platonic now. Right when Jacoby and I discussed our reappearing feelings, I began talking (via Skype) to Roberto. Roberto lived in England, so we often talked about him visiting me and visa versa. However, the entire friendship began because we were both dealing with the loss of our exes (me, obviously, Jacoby, Robert, his ex). I helped him get over his ex and he helped me. I had developed real feelings for him, and I had thought his were real as well. However, shortly after I had seen some progress in him, I noticed him drifting. I asked what was wrong, and fights ensued. He then confessed that while he felt something when we were talking (given, he wasn't ok, as far as his ex goes, and needed someone to stop him from feeling lonely), he didn't feel them anymore now that he was over his ex. I certainly believe that I helped him a lot, and he helped me as well, and I don't fault him for using me to gain some type of footing and stability. There are some people who are like Jacoby, and awful and go out to hurt people and then there are people like Roberto, who are so kind and afraid to hurt people and honestly care so much (even though they pretend they don't) that they'll lose sleep over whether someone is hurt or upset because of something they did. There's a steady bond between Roberto and me because we helped one another so much, and I appreciate him so much. So yes, it hurt a lot when a lot of the things I hoped would happen didn't happen, but I'm healed in knowing I have someone I can really talk to about anything and everything. There aren't many people like Roberto in this world, and I mean that wholeheartedly, if you find one, you really need to keep them, because even now when I'm upset about Jacoby and thinking about how Alejandro hurt me despite us not really being anything, I know he'll be there for me. Side note: If Roberto happens to read this, please don't freak out! You know, you're worth a lot more than anything bad I have ever said about you. You're a great person and I wholeheartedly forgive you.

-- Finally, there's Plan T: Plan T is currently at a stand still, as usual (refer back to my Plan T post). He did write on my Facebook wall, and Danielle did give him my phone number (how else would it happen?!), however, his phone is "broken" (is that code for something?) but he may text me when it's not broken. I highly doubt that'll happen because as far as I can tell, Plan T is failing miserably. He's leaving to go back to school soon, and I highly doubt he's going to get up the courage to text me. I really like him, but he's so shy. I'm not used to that, Jacoby was so confident when we first got together. Why isn't T?

So, as you can see, my issues all stem from boys. This post isn't as interesting (if you could call them that) as my others but this is my blog, and I feel I should be able to write what I want, especially when I'm feeling so downright shitty about everything that's happening. 

I really hope, I haven't offended anyone (except maybe Jacoby), but boys are stupid and I just want to demonstrate their stupidity in this lovely blogpost. Feel free to share your annoying boy problems with me as well, I am all ears. 

Through all of this, I've come to terms with a lot of my feelings and realized the power of Taylor Swift songs.

x

Homemade Tazo Passion Tea

What is my life?

There are two things in this world that define me: "poor" and "college student." The college student means that like most college students, I enjoy the finer things in life like Starbucks, the poor means that unlike the productive members of society, I cannot afford Starbucks on a daily basis. I am mildly obsessed with Tazo Iced Passion Tea Lemonade (might've mixed up a few words there), I used to drink it religiously when I was in school in New York (back then, I made myself think I could afford things), however, since moving back home, Starbucks isn't a few blocks away, so not only am I paying four dollars for a drink BUT I am paying gas money. 

So when I was happily walking through Target with a mountain of school supplies (I love Target, and school supplies), I was shocked to find the box to the left on the shelf. It was Tazo Iced Passion tea for $2.99. My mind was blown, my thoughts running a mile a minute. Could this be real? Did this store really have this tea I had longed for? The answer is yes, and it is amazing. 

While I'm not sure if this tea is sold anywhere besides Target (let me know, if you see it in your local stores), I feel that it is necessary to just show you how FREAKIN EASY IT IS TO MAKE STARBUCKS AT HOME!

Boil, boil, boil.

You begin by boiling water (if you are a child and/or prone to burning houses down, please don't do this/blame it on me for doing it). The box has instructions on the side that say half of the pitcher (yes, a PITCHER of tea) should be filled with half boiling water, half cold water, it also said the pitcher should be 64 fl oz. Now, I don't know how these pitchers and fl oz work so I just used my handy dandy brain (and measuring cup) to pour 32 fl oz into the pot to boil (most measuring cups have it on the side). 

It only took about ten minutes to boil however, I do put my stove on quite high which is BAD, don't do it, it makes the house stink.

IGNORE THE ICE! PRETEND IT'S BOILING WATER!

Next, you need to find a pitcher (which I strongly suggest should either be glass or a strong plastic as shitty plastic may have a tendency to melt under boiling conditions) and place the tea bag into the pitcher then the boiling water on top. Once again, please be careful as you don't want to burn yourself while transferring the boiling water into the pitcher. Let the tea bag "steep" for five minutes. 

After I patiently waited and smelt the wonderful aroma of hibiscus flowers, tropical flavors and orange peel (true ingredients demonstrated on the side of the box), the timer went off and it was time for the next step! 

Removing the tea bag!

The next step is pretty self-explainatory, I pretty much got you excited for nothing, all you do is remove the tea bag. 

I wish it was more exciting but it's not. It did make a pretty red color though. Thumbs up for red stuff! 

Cold water to make it ICED!

As I previously mentioned, the pitcher should be 64 fl oz, so you should fill the remainder of the pitcher (32 fl oz) with COLD water. I ended up putting ice cubes in the water, which I think diluted the flavor a bit so I don't recommend what is shown in the picture to the left. Instead, fill it up and place the COLD water into the pitcher with the boiling water.

Side note: I know it says 16 oz, I filled it up twice because 16 + 16 = 32. Duh. 

Spoonful of sugar(s)

Next, you can add a little step if you're like me and like your tea sweetened. Add a few spoonfuls of sugar to make it sweet tea, it adds a little kick and while it takes away from the naturalness, it makes it taste amazing. 

Fun story: One time I got unsweetened tea by accident, worst day of my life.

Wooden spoons RULE!

Next all you have to do is stir it up with a utensil of your choosing as you can see, I chose a wooden spoon because it is fancy and also was right next to me. 

Finally, fill a cup up with ice, poor your tea and BAM! an amazing Starbucks drink is in your hands. You can even recycle one of your Starbucks cups and pretend you went to Starbucks when you really didn't because we all know you're much cooler with a Starbucks cup in hand.

ALSO: You can make it Tazo Iced Passion Tea Lemonade by instead of filling the pitcher with cold water after it steeps, filling it with cold lemonade. I plan to do this tomorrow. Maybe, I shall make a small post about my findings then.

Side note: Isn't my A Christmas Story cup amazing? Fra-gi-le, it must be Italian! I think it says fragile, dear. Ah, I love that movie. 

Hopefully, you guys will enjoy yourselves some Tazo Passion Tea as well, and let me know if you find the tea bags anywhere else! 

x

Three years...

One Direction during X Factor

Today is the three year anniversary of One Direction's
inception. The inception that shook an entire generation of girls who began the long, arduous process of being in love with five European boys who have no idea they exist. That may sound dramatic, and altogether over-the-top but since they've come into my life I haven't found much of a need to turn around.

Before everyone starts, I'll let you know this; I'm twenty years old. I was around for the Backstreet Boys. I remember the 90s hysteria and granted I was only five or six when I saw them in concert, I acted no different than when I saw One Direction a few weeks ago. They have changed my life, and while I know everyone says that, I'm being 100% honest when I say that if they hadn't come into my life a year ago, I don't know where I'd be.

Another complaint I'm sure I'll get is that I'm not a "real" fan because I haven't been around since the beginning, however, being a "real" fan doesn't mean you must've been there since the beginning, it means you care enough to sit down and listen to their music, and love them because of who they are and what they sing not because it's popular.

I'm not a front-runner or someone who came into the circle because it was cool (because believe me, being twenty and being obsessed with One Direction isn't cool), I had been in a situation where boy bands weren't exactly my number one priority. When college happens, you're overwhelmed and when you become overwhelmed a lot of what you once held in high esteem, stuff that makes you happy kind of falls to the wayside (not for most people, but for me).

Red Nose Day... awww.

When I had to take a semester off for some mental issues (long story), I was defeated, empty, alone and unsure what my next move was. Being depressed isn't easy for anyone, it's dark and sometimes seems endless. I look back on it and wonder how I survived it because when all you want to do is lay in bed and when no one is really saying to you "don't do that! It's bad!" you don't really have a reason not to do it. So I spent a lot of my lost semester sleeping or on the computer.

I found One Direction one day and from then on things were different. Don't get me wrong, I don't credit them for making me better or being the only reason I got over my depression and anxiety but believe me, they're one of the pieces of the puzzle I really needed.

I saw five normal boys who went on X Factor, accompanied by their parents and friends and family and lived a normal life with the exception of the fact they were talented. I watched videos from the beginning of their career, before they were even One Direction, before they knew each other and I watched as the five of them became One Direction, excelled in X Factor and then thrived in the real world. All the while, I didn't notice a difference in any of them. They've remained humble, and exactly the way they should be and that's what makes me love them.

Looking at the way they act onstage. They don't care if people laugh at them, they want to have fun. They're people like you and me, they rebel, they make mistakes and that's what makes me love them. They don't walk around acting like they're better than everyone they do what they love to do and don't bother with the bullshit.

When things, like the Liam incident (which I don't know fully about because I was knee deep in Calculus work that week) happen and I see that people think he's not grateful, I have to laugh. People are rude, and look at them as toys, things that don't have feelings and those are the people that should be ashamed of themselves. Disturbing them when they work so hard, and invading their privacy, it's something people should look at as awful. It's not fair to them, they're five boys who we all know are grateful to us. Stop, pushing it. Because in the end we've watched them grow and become people we admire because they're not jaded, but doing what people do, like disturbing them when they're tired is what will make them jaded and resentful. People can only take so much, even five "superheroes" who do everything they can to make people happy.

Everyone should be grateful for One Direction. Not because of what they've provided for us fans but because they've proven that you can still be the same person three years later, after your life has been turned upside down.

Congratulations Zayn, Liam, Harry, Louis and Niall. You've made it possible for everybody to not only fall in love with you, but prove that you haven't accomplished anything until you've accomplished the true art of humbleness and unwillingness to let bullshit and fame get to your head.

When I saw them two weeks ago. So faraway!

I'm so proud to call myself a Directioner.

Thank you.

x

Trip to Philly 7.22.2013

To stray away from my last, political post today I shall blog about my trip to 1D World in Philly. Philly is about two hours from my house, so it would require a road trip for Danielle, Rosie (my sister) and me.

Danielle and me in a random park

We woke up quite early and headed out by 10:30 AM. The trip was long, and I drove the entire time so naturally I was extremely tired when we finally arrived in Philadelphia. 

Upon arriving in Philly, we got a little turned around. Once we found 1D world, we managed to get lost finding a parking garage however, miraculously I only got beeped at once. When we finally found a parking garage, I told them I'd return in two hours, which made me feel quite a bit rushed. When we began to walk Danielle got us somewhat lost because she used directions created specifically for driving hence, the reason it took a half an hour to get to the store, which should've only taken ten minutes but I don't fault her for that. 

Me, in front of 1D World.

For those of you who don't know 1D World is a pop up store, which translates to a store that "pops" up in designated cities for a short period of time. I had wanted to go there so badly when it was in New York but couldn't because I live three hours away, and it really wasn't worth the trip. The actual store is a lot smaller than I expected and isn't really a store, more of a counter with a lot of One Direction merchandise behind it that you ask for from the clerk. I'd hate to see it on a busy day because it really is a crazy process. I didn't end up buying as much as I'd like because I had to get lunch still and pay for parking but I did pick up a "box" that had a tote, calendar (which I already had), bracelets, pendent, and a pen. I also got a poster to replace my old one that is a little outdated. Obviously, not exactly worth a long trip but it was an experience nonetheless and Danielle got to go to Philly, somewhere she'd never been before (we're working on getting her out more).

Amazing photography courtesy of
Danielle

When we left I took control of the map because we all know Dani can not control it while walking (driving is all good, she's an excellent navigator). We saw a Shake Shack right by where we parked so we knew that was a place we wanted to stop. Even though I lived in New York for four months I have never been to Shake Shack (truly a sin, I know). Honestly, I was just excited for a good burger, one that everyone talks about. 

We ended up each getting a burger from there. The cashier was so nice, and asked me about my stylish 1D bag (see below). I informed her about 1D World. Shout out to Shake Shack in Philly!

Incredibly unflattering picture
of me modeling the back of my bag

After that we headed for the car. Surprisingly, parking was pretty cheap, only $14.00 despite the fact it was valet. We got out of Philly pretty quickly, which was exciting and I didn't get lost once! 

I knew I wanted a cardboard cut-out but I didn't want to spend $35.00 for one at 1D World AND have to carry it all around Philly so we stopped off at Toys R Us, which had them for $25.00. I also got my mom a Teddy from Good Luck Charlie doll because she is obsessed with that show. I literally have no idea why, she's a grown woman I swear! 

We ended up heading home after Toys R Us, but not before I got a fabulous Liam cut-out that Flynn is deathly afraid of. 

Rosie, at 1D World

I do have to say that my sister, who dislikes One Direction and is a self-proclaimed "too cool for school" hipster, punky chick did accompany me to 1D World. I've included photo proof. She'll be so mad if she finds out this is somewhere public, good thing she never reads this blog!

Sorry this post was mostly pictures! Back to regularly scheduled programs next post!

x

Opinion: Bomber on Rolling Stone

I had a long discussion with my mother last night about the Rolling Stone cover featuring Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, also known as the suspect in the Boston bombing. While I've never intended this blog to get political, I had intended on sharing my opinions, which sometimes involve controversial topics. In this blog post, I want to talk about why I support Rolling Stone in putting Tsarnaev on the cover this week. I know, it's not the popular opinion at the moment, and while I don't condone "glorifying" anyone who attacks someone, much less an entire country, I don't think Rolling Stone putting him on the cover is in anyway "glorifying" him more than he's "glorified" on the news, in newspapers, etc.

After the bombing Tsarnaev was featured on every news outlet. News programs sat at roundtables discussing him. How is Rolling Stone putting him on the cover any different? Sure, Rolling Stone is a magazine created purely for entertainment, but isn't any other magazine the same? Time and Newsweek may have been created to deliver news, but Rolling Stone has been a news outlet as well. They've featured politicians, news anchors, etc. Why is featuring him on the cover so taboo, when the article isn't glorifying him, but doing what most people won't do; attempting to understand him and why he did what he did?

The Charles Mason cover

First of all, he doesn't look like a "rockstar," in fact, initially I thought it was Charles Manson, similar to the cover featured in 1970 that won the magazine a National Magazine Award. And Manson only talked to Rolling Stone because he wanted his album plugged. His album? He released an album, that people bought. He was "glorified" and he created a brutal cult.

I'm sure that in Tsarnaev's case, he partially created this attack because he wanted the press. Good or bad, his name is being talked about in households, on the news, etc. The Rolling Stone cover is no different than the press he gets on CNN, to him anyway.

In the end, we've made him a a celebrity and the Rolling Stone cover isn't going to change that or further that idea. In fact, I plan on buying this issue of Rolling Stone so I can read the article. Now that his attack has been done, we've mourned the horror, crucified (which we should) him and his brother for their doing, it's time to learn about him and why he did it.

He's not the first person to attack America and he certainly won't be the last. I'm sure there were signs within his personality, and learning about him, learning about why he did it, will help us understand, and hopefully prevent someone from doing the same thing in the future.

Rolling Stone may be an entertainment magazine, but isn't the news a form of entertainment as well? I'm not condoning Rolling Stone for giving him press, but I'm saying the news outlets that create a roundtable to talk about the cover aren't much different than Rolling Stone. Any press we give him is fueling the fire, the best thing we can do is stop talking about him and I doubt that'll happen anytime soon. With that, I support Rolling Stone in creating this magazine.

Side note: Sorry this was all over the place, I struggled writing this because I was nervous of the reaction. 

x

The Story of Broadway & Natalie (Part I): The beginning

As I sat down trying to figure out what I should write about, I decided I'd speak about something I alluded to previously, my love of Broadway.

Some would call it an obsession, others pure passion but I call it my savior (and all of the above). I'd like to explain a little bit about my love of Broadway, where it began, etc however, I don't feel it would be sufficient of me to do so without first talking about how this all began.

At the age of five I was incredibly mature. I rarely cried in public, rarely threw fits (my mother would probably disagree), and enjoyed writing stories and drawing pictures more than playing video games (the few we actually had in 1997). I guess this is why my aunt thought it was such a good idea to start me young, and take me to my first ever show.

My sister, me, Aunt Barb and Lizzie
circa 2009

My Aunt Barb and I have always been close, and while I think we'd be just as close if she hadn't taken me to the Lyric that day, I still feel like that particular trip blossomed the bond we still hold today.

I had dressed in my best, gotten ready with a smile and sat in the back of Aunt Barb's car saying "it's going to be just us girls." I didn't know much about shows nor did I know exactly what we were going to do. Sure, I knew we'd be seeing Peter Pan but in my head, Peter Pan was a Disney cartoon, not some lady on strings flying across the theater and singing.

Cathy Rigby

I think the idea of Cathy Rigby confused me because for one, she was a lady playing Peter Pan and two, I didn't understand she was acting. When I eventually caught on, I was really excited.

I sat in awe as I watched Peter Pan and Tink's adventures as Wendy and her brothers followed suit, leaping into the audience, singing and dancing; doing everything I loved to watch and all the while live on stage. It was a whole new idea, something happening right before my eyes, real people on a stage singing like I had seen in the movies.

I left that day draped in Playbills, and programs and stuffed alligators (which I still have to this day).

Needless to say, after that trip my life was changed: I was in love with musical theater and wanted to do something, anything (I briefly did a short community theater stint but I realized my dreams were much better suited behind the scenes).

Me, outside the Gershwin 7 years
after I saw Wicked for the first time.

My dad had gotten season tickets to the Hippodrome in Baltimore and naturally, he kept me informed of all the shows coming to Broadway. It just so happened that one particular show had buzz from here to Seattle; Wicked, a prequel to The Wizard of Oz. I had grown up watching Dorothy and Toto so I was immediately attracted to Wicked. My dad got us tickets for Memorial Day weekend, and I instantly grew excited at the thought of a place where shows played constantly, unlike Baltimore, they didn't rotate in small packages, they remained (somewhat) constant and played in theaters, specifically created for housing musicals.

I remember my dad picking me up from school, I was in 5th grade and happened to be making candles in school (how I remember that, I don't know). I remember holding my candle as my dad picked me up from the bus stop, my bags already in the trunk ready for the drive to New York.

I had only been to New York once before, I was six or seven and I had the flu so my idea of New York was hazy and a bit negative (what kid wants to go back to a place where they experienced a debilitating flu). However, when we arrived just after dark we turned into Times Square and I was in awe. I loved the lights, the fact it was 9 PM and the streets were shining bright excited me. The theaters, there were dozens, I couldn't believe my eyes. What was this magical place and why was I so deprived of it for such a long time?

We spent all day walking around New York until 2 PM for the Saturday matinee. It was May, which meant Wicked was still in it's youth, just a few months after opening and a few weeks before the Tony Awards where it'd lose to Avenue Q (that did not stop it!).

Hanging out with Jeanna de Waal who
played Glinda when I saw it
for the third time in Baltimore
this past October

Seeing Wicked with Kristin Chenowith and (soon to be Tony winner) Idina Menzel was crazy. Especially considering the fact most people would've killed to see that pair. It was unheard of for me, to see a show of that magnitude, in a place where I could walk outside and see more shows.

From then on, my mind was made up. New York would become my home.

After that trip I returned to New York to see some other shows, including but not limited to: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Hairspray, and Bye Bye Birdie. The trips were few and far between up until 2010 when my eyes began to settle on my second (Rent was first) Broadway love: In the Heights. 

You'll have to come back soon to learn about In the Heights. I feel like it needs its own place on this blog.

For now, I shall remind you to defy gravity, and keep on being popular (get it? get it? huh? huh?)

x