As you all know, Lauren left which sent a dagger through my heart. Seeing Lauren for such a brief time didn't seem right, especially since we'd gone from spending every moment together to no moments together for a year a half. It's hard to say goodbye to people, especially people you cherish so much and love so deeply and honestly know will be in your life forever. Lauren is one of those people.
I had been feeling mildly depressed again but it didn't really come to a head until Tuesday. Things were fine, life was in check, people were okay (aside from Lauren leaving) and I was seemingly fine.
I'm the type of person to just panic and want everything so much that my patience goes out the window, and obviously, from my previous post it is clear D was someone my patience had run thin with and it felt like a ticking time bomb. We'd had several fights previously, leading to the one I knew would happen no matter what.
Honestly, when feelings are present, or were present before, there's a good chance friendship won't work. D and I were never an official "thing" but it didn't change the fact I was lying to myself when I said friends would be enough. We'd been through so much in such a short period of time, and all of that cumulated into what ended it for us.
It sucks because when you really like someone, there's a friendship there as well as an intimate relationship so when you give up the intimate relationship, that friendship becomes awkward. This is what happened with D and I. I needed to talk about what happened, he didn't want to talk about it. I needed to understand, he wanted to leave it as is. The friendship and feeling like I could share everything with him left the day he told me we couldn't talk about what happened between us, and isn't that what a friendship is? Telling each other everything?
It was stressed from the moment we decided to just be friends. I knew it wasn't going to last. It hurt me too much to not be able to say what I needed to say and it hurt him too much to have me say it. It was a lose, lose and it eventually became our destruction.
That night I cried more than I'd ever cried. It's crazy what tears will do to you, they make you feel calmer in a way because you're letting it out and a lot of times I've come to the realization that sometimes things are for the best. Do I wish it never happened? No, because I learned about myself and other people, what not to do in a relationship, what to do in a relationship. Do I wish I could go back and change some stuff? Absolutely. I'd love to change the going from 0 to 60 in less than 30 seconds, and the fact I put a lot into it so early on. But in the end, modern technology hasn't invented a time travel machine, and the things I wish I could change won't change. Instead, I have to deal with what happened, accept the loss and move on, which is a lot easier said than done.
The next day at work I found out Jacoby had officially been sent to basic training. Now, Jacoby and I weren't together, but I had considered us friends. We'd had a fun night previously, so I had hoped it would be a turning point. But as I said before, friendships usually don't work when intimate feelings had been in the relationship previously which is probably why Jacoby and I didn't have an ending, as in a proper goodbye.
I did text him, offering him my best wishes and the option to write me but he didn't respond most likely because he was so busy. In the beginning, I was mad he didn't text me and simply say, "hey, by the way, I'm leaving, see ya!" but I realize now that if he did that it would've hurt worse because I would've had to have said goodbye to him properly.
I did see him in the parking lot when I was leaving work and gave him a quick hug goodbye. I will miss him, mostly seeing him everyday and talking to him. Without fail, he would make me laugh. When I went through a lot with D, he was there. And come to think of it, the night D and I ended our friendship, he was there. I appreciate everything he's done for me, he, like D, taught me what to look for in a relationship and what not to look for. I know looking back Jacoby and I wouldn't have worked regardless of whether the night we broke up happened or not.
So, what now? Now, I focus on me. At this moment I have no boys. D isn't texting anymore. Jacoby definitely won't be texting anymore and anyone else on my radar officially left. I've been in two "relationships" (if you could call them that) and developed a sense of who I am. I know now I need someone who doesn't recklessly flirt, and someone ALL my friends approve of. I need someone who has enough problems to understand mine, but not enough to rival mine. I need someone who is intelligent enough to pick up a book and can hold a serious conversation for more than a few seconds without bursting out in laughter.
It's great having a clean slate. I feel a lot better about myself, who I am, what I need to do to make myself happy, etc. And I have D's email in case things get really bad and vice versa, but in the end, I don't want to use it until I KNOW I can carry a real friendship with him, which involves me breaking down my need to have someone with me at all time and getting rid of my fear of being alone.
At the end of the day being alone isn't that scary. It's when you learn the most about yourself. I should be thankful for the time I have with that, and I am.
I'm just going to keep swimming and enjoy what I'm doing, even if it's working and going to school. It's this time when I should be happiest and I feel like I'm on the road to that.
x
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