Death and Questions of Faith

Yesterday I learned that one of my former coworkers passed away in a horrific car accident. Working at Walmart doesn't bring out the best in most people, you deal with hundreds of people a day who slightly dehumanize you, and essentially have the ability to say anything they want with virtually no repercussions from the workers, who are powerless against the customer. Most workers at Walmart don't last long and those that do often have instances where anger gets the best of them and their composure, held together for months, breaks. Philomena was not that person. I remember at one point, a man said something racist, she stood with her head held high and continued to serve him. She dealt with unfriendly people on a daily basis and throughout her shift she always had a smile on her face.

Phils, as I called her, was the type of person who lit up a room, she had the ability to make everyone laugh and without fail, always made my shift better. When she left over a year ago to go to school, I was slightly heart broken at the idea I would no longer have Phils to laugh with and make my shifts brighter.

On Monday, a "blizzard" in full effect (we didn't actually get a blizzard, just a light dusting to an inch, despite the weatherman's hype), Phils car spun out of control on a somewhat well-known backroad in Maryland, she was hit by a truck and died at the scene. I wasn't informed of her death until yesterday and upon googling to ensure it was really true, I burst out in tears. How could someone so genuine and sweet and kind and positive, be killed so tragically? She'd posted on her Facebook just four hours before, she was supposed to make her grand return to work that evening. How was any of this possible? 

Since I was nineteen I have been an agnostic teetering on atheism. I am someone who has trouble believing in something that I can't see, therefore, God was never a high priority for me. Despite that fact, I've tried to have faith, and even got the word "faith" in Spanish tattooed on my wrist, I still struggle believing in something greater than this earth. 

However, when someone passes so suddenly, someone you knew and always enjoyed being around, you have to question your faith? One one hand I'm angry, why would someone so kind and sweet be taken from this world? And most importantly, who would take someone like that? On another hand, because she was such a kind, compassionate and loving person, how could she not be in a better place? How could she not be somewhere where she could laugh and be happy?

I'm torn between anger, and confusion. I don't understand death, I don't understand life, I don't understand how, if she would've just been thirty seconds later, she would've been fine and still be here today. 

Her death has made me question everything, how can it be that a series of decisions can lead to your death? Maybe she just missed a red light or stopped to get gas. What if she had gotten the red light and didn't stop to get gas? She'd be five minutes sooner and she'd be here.

I'm confused, humbled and scared at the same time. Your time to leave this earth could happen at any point, a long life is nowhere near guaranteed. 

I will continue to ponder these questions for probably the rest of my life. For now, because I know Philomena was religious, I will say alabanza. I learned alabanza from "In the Heights," it means, quoting Usnavi, "to raise this thing to God's face and to sing quite literally, 'praise to this.'" It's fitting now that Philomena is gone to sing alabanza in her name and to pray that she is in a better place and is continuing to grow and be the wonderful person she always was. 

Alabanza, Philomena.