As the end of 2013 nears, I'm looking at all the changes I've been going through. I had my first kiss, my first real relationship, my first infatuation, my first experience with How I Met Your Mother. 2013 has been a year of learning, and altogether growing.
I just ended a relationship I thought had promise, but was ultimately filled with the disappointment that does seem to follow after a breakup (especially an unforeseen one). I've dealt with a lot this year, and breakups have become pretty standard for me. If there's one thing I learned from this relationship however, it is to never trick yourself into thinking something is good, when it really isn't. There were a lot of issues underlying this relationship. I didn't feel like there was much of a connection except a physical one, and I spent most of the time trying to back peddle and tell myself there was something real.
I think we spent more time making out, which gave me a lot of experience, don't get me wrong, than actually talking and when we talked I didn't feel like we were really saying anything. There were awkward pauses, and sometimes I'd say something totally unnecessary to fill those pauses.
I felt really insecure around him, for good reason but I let myself think I was comfortable when in actuality I felt like he was judging me. I always felt like I was the lesser, and until yesterday I though he was it, I was happy, I had found someone, life was good.
But just like when you rewind a tape (no one has them anymore) and you still have it on play, you find yourself watching the parts backwards and seeing things you didn't notice before because you were so blinded. Like the way, you always felt inferior and uncertain around him, and the way you still didn't trust him no matter how much you told yourself you did, and how you knew this day was coming, as in, you were expecting him to break it off.
Let me also say this, if a guy is constantly saying, "I'm not pressuring you," it probably means they are pressuring you. I talked about the physical stuff, and doing it with him, and everything of that sort. Honestly, physical stuff drives me to an extent, but I'd just rather lie in bed and watch TV than make out while some TV show is on in the background. Making out isn't what drives a relationship, and I was a fool to think that having sex with him would cement him in, or make me happy I am so thankful I didn't do anything I would regret because in the end, everything I felt was felt for a reason. I knew something was off with him, but I was still willing to have sex with him and that in itself should've been a red flag. If you think something is off, there's a good chance it is off.
There just wasn't a spark, and while that hurts I'm picking myself up and looking at all the things that were wrong with the relationship because there were a lot. It shouldn't be this hard, you shouldn't be forcing yourself to make it work and basically longing not for him, but for someone. I found myself regularly sitting up at night sad because I wasn't with "him" but looking back, was I really sad I wasn't with him, or sad because I wasn't with someone in general?
I do question my judgement in men in general though. I find myself looking at people who either:
A. Are emotionally too unavailable.
B. Too immature for a real relationship.
C. Total douchebags, who think with their penis, not their heart and say jackass things but then send me flowers to make me feel like he actually didn't mean the things he said.
Let's face it, all guys are like that, but the ones who have qualities that outweigh the bad are the ones you should really choose and will make you ultimately happy.
This relationship was a learning experience through and through, I'm happy it happened because I walked away with some real knowledge that I'll take with me in the future. However, I won't say this guy didn't break my heart, because let's face it, any time someone promises you they won't hurt you, and then do it, hurts like hell. But I'm looking at the things I didn't feel and what happened in between the good parts as a learning experience; because in the end, you should always trust your intuition, most of the time it's right.
Finally, in the words of Alanis Morisstte, you live, you learn.
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